Heaven Got Another Angel

Sadly my family has suffered through another tragedy this past week, my cousin Kenny, 28, was taken from us after he suffered serious 2nd and 3rd degree burns from a fire. It is just not fair that we have to suffer like this again, the only piece of comfort i have found is knowing that he is with my son. We were very close, i remember when we were growing up and he would beat on me, terrorize me, and still love me. I was mroe like his little sister than his cousin. i always wanted a big brother, instead i got big cousins and i lvoed every second of it. from the geting beat up on to the tattling, i miss those days. He was such an amazing father to his 2 daughters, Destiny and Lillian, he loved them with every ounce of his being, that was a fact. I know my cousin was not perfect, none of us are, but know he is by far the most sweet, generous, loving person i could ever meet in my life. Everyone that met him just fell in love, he had one of those personalities where you know hes always there for you, hed give you the shirt off his back if you needed him to.That he was such a gentle soul yet a fighter in every sense of the word. He loved fighting in MMA figths, he was undefeated, no one was able to beat him no matter what, the only fight he ever lost was too big even for him to defeat. I am so grateful that he was able to come up to visit with me and be here for my son's memorial service and funeral. It really meant alot to have him there, to get that big bear hug that i will miss so much. its still so hard to believe hes gone, with all the family togather im just waiting for him to walk through the doors, or waiting to hear one of his funny smart remarks or jokes, waiting to just see his amazing blue eyes and sweet smile one last time. I look at his girls and it kills me, i just pray that they will always remember how wonderful their daddy was. Kenny i just want to say i love you, i know your still with us, and please give my sissy and bug a kiss from me.  love you cuz



Wow! has it really been that long??

So i know it has been ages since i have been here nad i really have alot to talk about because it has been so long so i think that i am going to TRY my best to do a few blogs a week in an attempt to catch up.

Alot has happened since i was here last, the numbness is finally wearing off and this is all becoming too real. It makes me just want to press pause and stay with the numbness forever. when it is gone i have to finally accept the fact that he is gone. We got a real punch to the gut about a week after thanksgiving, it was a bittersweet event. his headstone at the cemetery finally got engraved. For the longest time i would look at this tiny piece of laminated paper that said my sons name and one simple year, it was taped on his wall, and it felt a ttimes like i wasnt there really for him, that i was there for another person named payton matthew burke. I still wish at times that i will get a call that my was switched in the hospital and has been living with another family for the last 3 months. i know it will never come, i just wish. i wish tha i could wake up and it be that terrible morning all over again and i could just un-do it. i wish that i could just go back and hold him again, kiss him again, tll him i love him one last time. everyone keeps telling me how strong i am, i am not strong i am numb. i am able to do things like hold a candlelight vigil for my son, post on this blog, talk about that night, all the things that i have done i do not because i am storng but because i am numb. Im so scared of what will happen when this feeling wares off, when the pain is all i feel, will i be able to move, get out of bed, will i be able to pull through the hurt and go on for my son th way i have.  now that his headstone is engraved it is too real, i used to be able to go there without having a breakdown, i would shed some tears as i gave him a sweet kiss, now when i go there i lose it, i sit there and cry for about 30 minutes, i just cant help it, i now know that it is my son in that cold concrete wall, in that tiny little box, cold, alone, dark, it it the tiny little bodu that i used to hold in my arms. it is the soft skin that i used to kiss, it is the sweet bug eyes that i will never look into again. it is too real seeing his name engraved into the stone forever, for all to see, for all to wonder, who is this child. i miss my bug. i miss him so much i just want him back, even for a day. i know that would not be enough but it would be better that nothing.

Another thing that i have been fighting with is the holiday season. Thanksgiving absolutely sucked, it really did i woke up and instantly broke down because i was speanding the day without my son. i laid in bed for about an hour just crying i didnt want to do anythign. i had to work that day from 12-8 so we decided to go to visit him in the morning. we went and sat with him for a little bit, i read him a book about thanksgiving and i told him that i was thankful for the short time that i had with him and the time that i was thankful that he entered my life. I also told him to use his table manners when he is at the feast in heaven, i guess thats just the mommy in me to think of that. now i have to handle christmas, god am i dreading that. i have a tree with all the ornaments that remind me of him, its his tree, a little one that has his pictures, angels, candles all around it its like his little shrine in my living room. i also have his stocking hung above it along with his 2 christmas outfits that my great grandma and his aunt bought for him hanging all around it. puting up the tree was so heartbreaking i found my ornament from last year, it was a daddy snowman with a pregnant mommy snowman with the words miracle in the making... if we only knew then that he was an angel in the making. i just have to get throug this holiday, get through everyone else buysing first christmas ornaments and things like that for their kids while i cant buy payton anything . i just have to get through the joy of other children opening gifts and celebrating the holidays while i dont want to celebrate anything without him. it hurts too much.

Writers Block Release

So if you havent noticed i havent really had much to say these past few weeks, not sure what has been holding me back but everytime i sit down to the computer i just cant get the words to come to me. Last night i eperienced something amazing and i wanted to share it. Next to the day my son entered my life it was the most amazing expereince of my life. I got to witness the birth of a beautiful baby girl, my newest cousin. My aunt and I aren't too far apart in age, she is my youngest uncle's wife, and she is more than my aunt, she is my friend. Her and my uncle welcomed their first child togather about a year and a half ago, he is an adorable little boy who i love to death. then shortly after their son came i found out i was pregnant with payton. We were looking forward to sharing all the little secrets of being moms togather. Then a few weeks before i delivered payton, she informed me that she had another little one on the way. I was so happy, i knew that the 3 of our children would be more than cousins, they would be the best of friends, they would bond the way i bonded with all my cousins when i was younger. I came from a very tight knit family where cousins are more like your brothers and sisters. It's just how we are. The day I lost payton i saw her adn her big round belly and i thought that it would be too much to see that, to see the best friend my son should have had, but it wasnt. I just remember hugging her, and crying, and then rubbing her belly and whispering to my little cousin I love you. I was still happy for my aunt i was just hurt that our fantasy of paly dates, MOPS, and trips to the zoo were not going to include my son.

Throughout the last few weeks my aunt has had me on edge. I have been waiting for the call from her telling me to get to the hospital, she had given me the oppertunity, if i wanted it, to be in the room to witness the birth of her child. I was unsire at first, thinking can i handle that? can i see that? i thought about it and prayed about it and decided that I wanted to experience that. After a while My aunt was told that it looked like she would have to deliver via c-section. I was excited because she said if i wanted i could be in the OR with her so i could still wittness it. One thing led to another and her delivery got scheduled for a day when i had to work, and i was upset thinking i would miss it. I thought that perhaps it was a sign from god and my bug that i just wasnt as ready as i thought i was for that. Thursday night i recieved a text from her that she was havign alot of back pain and was thinking it was time to have the baby. She went into the ER and they said yes you are in labor but not dialated. since her surgery was scheduled for the next day they decided to keep ehr over night. The next morning the doctors decided to let her labor on her own. She was quite excited and so was i, maybe i would be able to wittness the birth afterall. Well after 48 long hours of labor it finally happened. I called after work to get an update and was told were getting set up to push. I was thrilled! I would get to experience it after. I got to the hospital as they were setting up her room, happy for the perfect timing! After everything got underway i decided to stand where i could see the birth but also be near the door just incase i became overwhelmed. It was amazing, My aunt did so good, within 20 minutes of pushing baby was out! couldnt believe it! I got a little overwhelmed after when the nurse was stimulating the baby to breathe. She kept saying breathe baby come on baby just breathe i couldnt take hearing that. It was such a beautiful thing to get to see somethign so special happen, to see this child enter the world. It was so different than when i delivered payton because i didnt get to watch and i was so out of it, i hope that i will be blessed enough to experience that some day. For the first time today, instead of playing payton's death over and over in my mind, i am replaying her birth, a much happier experience.

Exxperiencing this has been so amazing for me. It made me start thinking, how wonderful would it be to do this every day. It makes me want to look into being a doulah and working with families to welcome their children and mommies welcome their angels and rainbows. I just wanted to share with everyone how magical the experience was to be there nad see it. Aunt, you did such an amazing experience, thank you for letting me be apart of it.

Christmas... Really?

So I am really trying not to be a scrooge this year, not to be a party pooper. i understand that the holidays are a time to be joyful and giving, and i am doing my best to keep that spirit, i just do see what i really have to be thankful and joyful about this year. I should be joyful for the time that i had with my baby, i should be joyful for the love he gave me, but its so hard with him gone. every time i see a baby's first christmas ornament i just want to lose it. im supposed to be looking at toys and things to get him for christmas, im supposed to be so excited about helping him open his presents, i should be wanting to put up the tree already so he can enjoy the pretty lights, instead im just wishing i could go to sleep and not wake up untill january. I dont know how to get through this holiday season without him, how am i going to go to decorate his tree in the cemetary, how am i going to sing him christmas songs, how am i going to celebrate when he is gone? i dont even want to put up a tree this year, but i know i have to, i have to for him because even though he wont be here to open his gifts christmas morning, he will be there with us that morning, and im sure thats what he would want. i miss you angel bug... i know youll ahve a good christmas in heaven :(

You Think You Know Best...

I am so far beyond aggravated today… the one thing that I wanted to come out of my son’s death is to save the lives of other children… how can I do that when the parents of those children are too darn stubborn and think that they aren’t doing anything wrong… there is a online discussion I took part in, and all these people keep saying “firm bed+ no pillows+ no drugs/ alcahol+ breastfeeding mommy= safe bedsharing” NOT TRUE!!!!!!! These are the conditions of our bed when my son lost his life, he did not suffocate on a pillow or blanket, we did not roll, he suffocated when he buried his face in my breast! If bed-sharing is so safe then why am I member of an entire group of people who had their babies in “safe bed-sharing environments” when they lost their child as well? It’s too late for my son, my baby is gone, I cant choose where he sleeps anymore because he sleeps with god. What I can do is just keep going, telling his story, telling people about him, and telling people what they can do to prevent this from happening to them. Then after that I can only pray, I can only pray that people listen, pray that they understand that the risk is not worth the reward, pray that they don’t put their child’s life on the line, pray that they see that no matter what an adult bed is in no way safe for any child, for any reason, for any amount of time. If you choose not to listen, if you think my story is no big deal, I must have done something wrong and it wont happen to you, than all I can do is pray for your child. Pray this won’t happen to them and pray that you wont wake up the way I did that morning and just wish you could un-do what had been done. All I wanted was for the lives of children to be saved through my story, but I can’t do that if the parents of those children are too ignorant to the dangers even after I try to inform them!!

Help me understand

I understand that everyone is different, and no two people grieve the same way. What i feel about losing my son is so different from what my family is feeling, what other mothers are feeling who have lost a child, no two stories are alike. the best way to put it is we have all reached a destination in life, the destination of losing a child, however each one of us reached this destination by traveling down a different path. I just want to understand how the people closest to me are grieving and it is killing me. i want to understand mostly how payton's daddy is grieving. It just kills me that we are taking this so differently, i feel like now more than ever we need to be togather, we need to cling to eachother and pull eachother through this. It's so hard to do that because we are taking this in such different ways. i know the statistics of couples making it this day in age, and it is scary. but even more i know the statistics of a couple making it through this eperience, it makes thins a million times harder. I want more than anything for us to survive this for our son, to be his parents togather. no matter where life takes us i know it is meant to be, i just pray that life keeps us togather, as a family, in honor of our Bug.

Trick-or-Treat Bug!

I was definately not looking forward to Halloween this year. Usually I decorate the front yard like a cemetary, I dress the dogs up with a theme, and we all trick or treat as a family. I still took the dogs trick or treating this year but thats about it. This would have been the Bug's first holiday, I would have dressed him up as a what he was already, a Bug of course, and taken him from door to door showing him off. I wouldnt even care about the candy, i would just be excited about showing off my pride and joy in a adorable costume. Instead I went to the cemetary, read him a story about halloween, gave him a pumpkin, and told him trick-or-treat there. I told him that I know he was having fun trick-or-treating with the babies in heaven, but not to eat too much candy or he'd get a tummy ache. I told him to use his manners and say please and thank-you at each door. I told him that I love him and I miss him, like I always do. It just wasn't the same. If I had such a hard time with Halloween, how am I going to survive the real painful holidays? Like christmas and thanksgiving. I had so many plans for these holidays. So much excitement to share them with him, I already had his first christmas maped out in my head. Gifts I was going to give him, His first christmas ornament, and now what do I have? Nothing. I feel so cheated, I feel like I got the short end of the stick. I am his mom, I am not supposed to have to visit the cemetary every holiday, especially through the first year of  his life, and tell him merry christmas or happy Halloween, even happy valentine's day. This is not how its supposed to be. I should have had more, I need more, I need my son. Nothing about this is fair, I just cant take it anymore. I beg God please, press the rewind button and take me back undo it all, and let me have him back. Let me have at least more time. Let me just have even one more day. But everyday I wake-up still in this nightmare. Will it ever end? Will the hurt ever stop? I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep through all these Holidays. I just want them over with.

He's Not Dead!

O.K. maybe im a little crazy here, but am I the only person who hates the term dead? I hate when I hear people use that term when referring to my son. Im not trying to be rude, but Im sorry, my son is not dead. His physically body is not living anymore, yes, but his spirit is alive. It's alive in my heart, and i can assure you that he forever lives on in heaven. I usually use the word gone, but even that isn't fitting because he is not gone either, he is here, by my side, in my heart, with me always. I like to say my son passed away, he passed on from this world to a place with more beauty and grace than we can ever imagine. He went to be with god, and I can assure you that he is there in heaven, alive, happy, and living. Dead is just such an ugly word, when i think of dead i think lifeless, dark, dreary. I know that these words do not even partially describe where my son is. He is in a place with lots of light, and love, and eternal happiness. I'm sorry, but my baby is not dead, he lives on in my heart, every day.

It's not my fault...

Anyone who ever saw me with my son knows that I was a good mom. I don’t mind to sound conceded, but I really was a good mom. I took every step to ensure that my son was safe; I chose the best of the best for everything with him, car seat, and stroller, all safe and high quality. I just wanted the best for him, that’s not what made me a good mom though. What made me a good mom was that I would rather sit on the couch with him all day, playing peek-a-boo instead of doing laundry and vacuuming. What made me a good mom is I read him a story and sang him a song every night before bed. What made me a good mom is that nothing was good enough for him, he went everywhere with me, the thought of leaving him alone for a minute made me want to break down in tears, what made me a good mom was that I loved my son more than anything on the face of this planet. What made me the best mom was that I had the best son.

The reason I am telling you how good of a mom I was is not to brag about myself, by all means that is not my intentions. But I do want to admit that as good as I was I was not perfect. There is no such thing as a perfect mom, we all make mistakes. We all have regrets, things we wish we wouldn’t have done or done more of. Its only human. My point is that even a good mom, a great mom like me makes mistakes. I am proof of that. The morning my son died was a big mistake, a hudge one, one I wish I could take back and undo. Everyone tells me don’t blame yourself, you were a great mom, you loved your son, you didn’t do anything wrong. I keep telling myself that, reassuring myself that thousands of other mothers do what I did, and that it does not make me a bad mom. Its just so hard. That morning that I woke up to feed my bug, I was so out of it, I was so exhausted, I was not thinking at all. It is all such a blur. I try really hard not to blame myself for what happened because I did nothing to intentionally harm my son, nothing to hurt him, I never would have. I love my son more than anything or anyone, more than words can describe, more than the air I breathe, still to this day even though he is gone. I would never hurt him on purpose, but I did. I fed him that night in our bed, and even though I was asleep when I made that decision, I still made it. And because of that decision my son is gone. Its hard not to blame myself, and I try really hard not to. At times I just wonder “how is it not your fault” the bug had his own bed for a reason, he slept in his bed every night for a reason, because I knew it was the safest place for him. I only wish I could undo that morning, wake myself up, get myself moving, turn on ever light, tv, radio, and sound in the house as loud as possible so I would wake up and think about what was going on. I just wish I could go back and undo what I did, every minute of every day, I know it is not my fault my baby is gone, but if I had woken up, not made the decision to feed him in bed, then he would still be here, he would be sitting up, rolling around, eating solids, laughing, talking, and I would still be able to look into those big bug eyes anytime I wanted. Its because of me not waking up all the way that morning that my son is gone. And it just kills me every minute of every day. I try not to blame myself but I do, every second of every day because I was a great mom. And as a great mom, it was my job to protect my son, and I didn’t do that job. If I did, he wouldn’t be gone.  

Bug's Kitty Bowie

So when i went to visit the bug last week this kitty came up to us, it was running and playing with my sister, having so much fun i begged my mom to let me bring her home, she said no she couldnt come in her car. So i told her that if i came back and saw the kitty again then it was meant to be, Well i went back tonight to visit the bug, it was almost dark and the kitty came back up to me, so i brought her home. I couldnt resist, she's Bug's kitty. It is going to get really cold tonight and I couldnt stand the thought of her being outside and cold Bug's daddy was not too happy and our 2 dogs think shes a chew toy (she doesnt like them much either). But i have to keep her, she's the bug's friend. we decided to name her bowie, short for rainbow, since we saw so many rainbows after the bug passed. I love her! im so excited, like my mom said, its just like me to pick up strays! lol Poor thing, she was so hungry when i brought her hom! im glad i did it though, i know i did the right thing... what was i supposed to do, just let her starve nad freeze... ABSOLUTELY NOT!  so i would like to introduce everyone to the newest member of the family :)

Bowie

I am Not Alone

The one thing that I have learned through this experience is that I am not alone. There are so many other women out there with angels in heaven. It's so heart breaking when you hear the numbers. 1 in 4 women experience pregnancy/infant loss. Those numbers are astonishing. It's a club, a club that no one wants to join, but once you join you realize that you have joined a network of love, prayers, and support for the rest of your life. I wish I wasn’t a member of this club every day, but since I am, and there is nothing I can do about it, I am going to make the best of it. I am going to support the other mothers in this club as they are supporting me. I want to share the story of the amazing women that God has brought into my life recently.

A friend of mine posted on my wall, suggesting a blog to me about a woman who started a group called Love and Loss. A group for angel mommies and people like me. I joined the group, and started looking around. I felt rite at home instantly. I noticed that they would be supporting and attending an event that I too was attending a memorial walk in honor of all the little angels, called A Walk to Remember. I had hoped to meet some members of the group at the event. I was lucky enough to meet the group's founder at the event. She is an amazing woman, with adorable children, who is doing an amazing job bringing comfort and bringing angel mommies together everywhere. She is a true inspiration to me, I hope someday to bring comfort to as many families as she has.

Another angel mommy that I met at this event, I know that God brought into my life for a reason. She was there for me the day my son died and neither of us even knew it. I also believe that her son was with me that day, comforting me and holding my heart in his hands. The day my Bug died I was given a box at the hospital, a beautiful box, filled with different things to help me remember his life. It had an outfit, a blankie, and a few other things in it. The thing that meant the most was the angel ornament that was in there. I carried it everywhere with me, I didn’t put it down for days after my son's death. It brought me so much comfort. I have replaced a few things in the box with things of my son's, a sleeper, a few pictures, and a few other things that I cherish from his life. The woman that I met at this event started a group after the loss of her son, she started making boxes like the one she received so that no mother will ever leave the hospital empty handed. She is the one who made the box I received that day, she remembers making the box and also giving it to the hospital. Another thing that tells me God brought us together is how she learned of me and my story. She is also a member of Love and Loss, and when the founder of Love and Loss told her of me, she already knew who I was. The day my Bug died, they put his story in the paper, it was very hard because I felt the way they reported on the story did no justice to what actually happened and it was not the friendliest way of writing the story, but she read it that day. When she told me this story it gave me chills, she said that she never reads the paper but that day she had a copy laying around, picked up and went straight to my Bug’s story. She said after she read this story she said” I just want to give that poor mother a hug” Well I got that hug from her, and it was such a warm love-filled hug. I think that her son was telling her who I was so she knew when she met me that him, the Bug, and God all have some big plans in mind for us!

Every day I meet more and more people who have faced this pain, and as much as I wish I didn’t meet these people (because I wish people like us didn’t exist, I wish this club didn’t exist, I wish no one had to live through this pain) I am glad that I have met them. I am glad that I have the chance to hug other angel parents. I feel like every angel mommy or daddy I meet on earth, is another angel friend my sweet bug makes in heaven. It is such a painful thing to go through, words cannot express the pain I feel everyday without my child, but I know that these other angel mommies and daddies understand this feeling, that they know how it feels to have to give a picture a goodnight kiss every night, to have to cuddle with a blankie instead of your child, to find comfort in that piece of dirty laundry that smells like spit-up. These other angel mommies and daddies like me sadly belong to this same club, a club where we all hurt, we didn’t ask to be members, we all wish we could undo our membership. But it’s a club where we all comfort each other, no one is alone in this club, this club is filled with prayers and through this club and each other we will make it.

A Bug's Life

So I was looking back over my posts, and I realized one thing. I told my story, the story of how I lost my bug, stories of how I am coping, and things of that sort but I really haven’t talked about my bug’s life. It is kind of sad really when I think about it. I should have told this story first and foremost; because it is my favorite story of all, so here I go:

My bug was born on July 4, 2011. I went into labor at 3am, it came out of nowhere, I just woke up to go to the bathroom and boom was in full-blown labor. It was a fairly short process; I labored for 7 hours and then wound up having an emergency c-section. My bug’s heart rate kept dropping pretty low, so the Dr said this baby needs to come out… NOW! After 30 minutes in the OR my baby had arrived. I remember the Dr saying look up and meet your son, I looked up and saw the most beautiful sight ever. There he was, perfect. 10 fingers, 10 toes, a full head of hair, and a strong set of lungs! It was amazing, the pregnancy was finally over and I was finally a mommy. I had waited my whole life for that moment. His daddy was as awestruck as I was. He couldn’t take his eyes off of him. After we got settled in our room he wanted to do everything, he wouldn’t let me change the first diaper, swaddle him, I had to beg him to even hold him! He was a total baby hog, but I didn’t mind. In my mind I had held him for the last 40 weeks, I figured it was daddy’s turn. Besides I had the rest of his life to hold him, if I only knew then how long that would be. Our time in the hospital was so busy. The bug had so many visitors, everyone was so excited that he was finally here. He was the first grandchild and great grandchild from both sides of the family, so needless to say people were literally fighting over who got to see him and hold him when. He was our little celebrity. Everyone instantly fell in love with him, how could you not! After what felt like a yearlong stay in the hospital (which in reality was only 3 days) we finally got to bring him home. I was terrified but so ready to begin our life.

The days passed by and the bug grew so fast, and so did his eyes! My baby had big everything, I think he would have been tall like his daddy; he had monster feet, long fingers, and those eyes! They just captured your heart. Everyone that saw the bug said how sweet and precious he was. He was such a blessing. We were so busy, as I said everyone was fighting over who got to see him when, there wasn’t enough time in the day for everyone to see him, but we tried. We were definitely an on-the-go family. The bug loved being out and about, exploring the world. Every day was like an adventure for him filled with love. Bouncing from one grandparent’s house to the next and he loved every minute of it.

The bug was such a happy baby, he never really cried, only when he was hungry. From the start he slept through the night most nights, at least 6-7 hours at a time. I couldn’t have asked for a better baby. He loved to be rocked, bounced, liked to be sang to and read to, he was so easy to please. I loved taking him to his room, putting on music, and just dancing until he fell asleep against my chest.  And if all else failed, I would always joke and say stick a boob in his mouth. I am so grateful I chose to breastfeed him. It was a special bond that we shared that I will forever treasure. The one thing that he really liked was when you would stick you tongue out and babble at him. He thought it was hilarious! Then after doing it a few times, he would do it back. He would just lay there and smile. I miss that smile so much. He was so precious when he slept, I loved watching him sleep, he always smiled in his sleep. My grandma told me was smiling in his sleep because the angels were playing with him, I know it is true. The bug loved most everything, except bath time. He was always so unsure about what was going on, and then when I washed his hair he would start screaming! He hated it. I miss that cry so much.  I miss cuddling with him, I would never get anything done during the day, all I wanted to do was hold him, love him, just be with him 24/7 every second of every day.  I remember the thought of going back to work broke my heart. It would make me cry, I couldn’t imagine leaving him for one second.  His grandparents had all volunteered to him, so I knew he was in good hands, but they weren’t my hands so it wasn’t good enough.

In the 10 short weeks that my bug was with us we made so many memories that I will treasure forever. There was the day that we spent at the aquarium and walking around the city. The bug loved all the bright lights. His daddy wouldn’t let me push him in the stroller that day, he wanted to carry him everywhere. Then there’s all the times we went shopping. That bug loved to shop! He of course got that from me. We would go all over the place. I loved when people would stop us and compliment him. I was so proud to call him mine. Then there were the times that we went for walks to my mom’s house. I would put on my Moby wrap and wear him like an accessory. Everyone said he looked so funny in that thing but I loved it. I looked like a mama kangaroo. I loved having him so close to me. Then there was our last weekend together at the fair. We spent the day there. He loved the noises and bright lights. His daddy had to work that day, and we were there with some friends, we thought that he would miss the whole day, but then towards the end of the day he surprised us and came. I’m so glad he did, that was our last outing with our bug. I will never forget our last Sunday morning together, the bug was sitting in his bumbo with his daddy, watching him play madden. Daddy gave him a remote and was teaching him how to play, it was so sweet. They were both shirtless, just sitting on the couch, such a precious father-son moment, I’m so glad I got pictures of it.

There are so many memories that I have of my bug, so many pictures, smiles, just memories that I will hold dear forever. That’s all I have left now, memories, pictures, his things. It’s not enough, but I’m grateful for what I have, and what I had with him.

Letter From Heaven

So I just sat down at my computer and started typing, this is what I got, I think that my Bug wanted to send me a message so he put the words in my heart...

Dear Mommy,

                Heaven is such a beautiful place! I know you miss me so much, and your heart hurts because you didn’t get enough time with me, but please know that I am having so much fun here! I have the most beautiful pair of wings here. They are prettier than you could ever imagine! Jesus said that I am your little angel; I had my wings when I was on earth with you but we just couldn’t see them. I know there are a lot of people on earth that love me, and really miss me a lot, but you should see how many people here in heaven love me too! When I got here, there was a whole crowd of people waiting to say hello, and give me hugs and kisses! I met Aunt Becky and Uncle Brandon first; they are the ones who came to get me. We all gave you a kiss before we left for heaven, did you feel it? Then when I got here I met my Great Great Grandma Eva. She said that she misses you too, she gave me a big hug and a big kiss and taught me a rhyme, you know the one. Here is the church, here is the steeple, open the doors and see all the people.  She says she taught it to you too when you were little. I also met my great grandpa, Tim. He says to tell daddy that he loves him and he’s very proud of the man he has become. I’m proud of daddy too.  I am not the only baby in heaven mommy, so don’t worry I have a lot of friends! We love to run and play, sing songs and just laugh together. Jesus is such a great man! He likes to sing songs to us, it is such a beautiful thing. He gives us lots of hugs and kisses, he says that you ask him to and that they are from you. Mommy I hope you like the other angel mommies that God and I have brought into your life, they will get you through this. Mommy I am very proud of you for being so strong for everyone. You are such a good mommy, you always have been. God said that he knew you and daddy would be a great parents, that’s why he gave me to you. He knows that your sad that I couldn’t stay but don’t worry mommy, I am in such a good place. God has a reason for taking me away, and I’m not allowed to tell you, but I can tell you that someday you’ll understand. Mommy please know that I love you so much, and it feels like I’m gone, but I’m not. I’m always with you, everywhere you go, I know you have seen some of the signs that I have given you to remind you.That glimmer you see out of the corner of your eye, that sound, that tickle on the back of your neck, when it’s me mommy, you’ll know it in your heart. Did you like all the pretty rainbows that I drew you? I drew them for other people too, I wanted to show you a little piece of the beauty here in heaven, and remind you that I am still there. Please know that I miss you too mommy, but I’m not sad because I know that when God is ready for you to come here, I’ll be the angel that comes to get you, and then we will be together again. Until then Mommy, whenever you miss me, close your eyes really tight, and think of the fun times that we had, the nights we played patty-cake, the times you made me laugh by sticking your tongue out at me, the stories you read to me, the songs you sang to me, and all the other fun happy memories that we have together. I love you mommy, and I miss you too. Please don’t worry I promise, it will all be ok.

Love always

Your Bug

Dear Bug

My sweet Bug, I miss you so much so I thought I'd write you a letter. I know your having fun in Heaven playing with everyone give auntie Becky and uncle brandon kisses from us, tell them we say thank you for watching over you when you were here with us. I like to think they are the angels who came down to get you. That sweet old lady you met, that's great great grandma, remember I told you about her, we really hoped that she would live until I had you, we wanted to see her hold you and kiss you. I know she's holding you every day now and teaching you Jesus loves the little children the same she taught us. Bug the world is so much sadder without you here. I know that you are still with us, I sense you all around but its just not the same. Thank you for the beautiful rainbows you sent me you are so creative and artistic a trait you got from me of course. I still can't believe how long its been since I looked into your sweet bug eyes. It just breaks my heart. Did you see all the pretty candles that have been lit for you. I hope you like them, every one was to show you we love you and miss you. Well I have to get going, I just wanted to drop a line to tell you that I love you more than anything and I miss you so much it hurts.
Love always
Mommy

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Candles for the Bug

Beautiful candles for my Bug and other angels were lit all across the country last night, it was such a beautiful way to honor him, It brought tears to my eyes every time I saw another candle picture posted. Thank you all for honoring my Bug and all the other angels in heaven.

My little tribute to the Bug, one for my sister, one for my little brother-in-law, one for all the Bug's angel friends, and of course one for my Bug.

Thank You Amanda H

Thank You Amber A.

Thank You Ashley O.

Thank You Auntie Amanda

Thank You Auntie Angie

Thank You Auntie Kelli

Thank You Auntie Carrie

Thank You Charlie and Brittany

Thank You Betty G.

Thank You Diane M.

Thank You Grace

Thank You Grandma & Pappa Gordon, Auntie Kristen, Auntie Katie

Thank You Grandma Rehberg

Thank You Rachel W.

Thank You Shannon B.

Thank You Shea R.

Thank You Kay

Thank You Uncle Mike, Aunt Shannon & Abby

Thank You Cousin Kevin

Thank You Jennifer C.

Thank You Gail M.

Also Thank You to:

Tracy

Connie

& Ara

Footprints in the Sand

There is a very famous religious poem about a man walking along the beach looking back at his life and asking God about the moments of strife when he felt that God had forsaken him. I have always loved this poem, it has always been my favorite. It has appeared many times in my life. I remember it first when my grandma had a little picture frame with the poem. The first time i read it, it just spoke to me, it touched my heart. It again reappeared when one year for my christmas my mom gave me a necklace, a little cross with foot prints on the front with the words "it was then that I carried you" engraved on the back. A very special piece of my jewlery that up untill recently I never took off. (now it has been replaced by an angel pendant my mom gave me that has my bug's birthstone) Through the years this poem has always had special meaning, I can always imagine myself being that man. Walking along a beautiful white sandy beach with Jesus by my side, watching all the moments of my life flash across the sky. I know in my heart that i will not question God about the difficult times, like the one i am in now. I know through my faith and this poem as well that God is with me, he has not forsaken me, not now not ever.

One night I had a dream--
I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord
and across the sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene I noticed two sets of footprints,
one belonged to me and the other to the Lord.
When the last scene of my life flashed before me,
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
I noticed that many times along the path of my life,
there was only one set of footprints.
I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest
and saddest times in my life.
This really bothered me and I questioned the Lord about it.
"Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you,
you would walk with me all the way,
but I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life
there is only one set of footprints.
"I don't understand why in times when I needed you most,
you should leave me."
The Lord replied, "My precious, precious child,
I love you and I would never, never leave you
during your times of trial and suffering.
"When you saw only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you."

Lately as I look back at the photographs of my son's life I always come to one that brings this poem to mind. When Bug was about 4 weeks old, we went and speant the day with family at a beach club. I remember I pushed his little feet in the sand and he did not like it, one little bit. He screamed at me letting me know it too. But I got a perfect little impring of his feet in the sand. I look back now and every time I see this picture it brings to mind that not only will I walk side by side with God on that day, but I like to think that I will see those tiny footprints in the sand once more. My sweet Bug left his footprints in the sand and in my heart. I know that when I look back on my life and see only one set of footprints during the troubled times I wont question whose they were because they will be too tiny to belong to anyone else, It will be my angel Bug carrying me through the difficult times, like he is carrying me now.

  

Candlelight Christmas

I know I mentioned the international wave of light on October 15, however there is another candlelight vigil every year in December. this year it is on December 11, My mom came up with a great idea to honor the bug that day and also to help other children who are less fortunate. We decided that on December 11 we will have a large candlelight vigil at our home and also ask people to bring a toy to our home to donate to toys for tots in honor of our Bug. For those of you who are close and in our area and interested in attending, please send me an email for more information. jgordo0716@gmail.com. To everyone else please don't forget the day, light a candle and donate a toy to a child less fortunate in honor of my Bug. I'm sure he would want to see a child less fortunate have a great Christmas, I know that he will be having an unbelievable Christmas in heaven.

How Do You Say Thank You...

There are so many people who have helped us get throughout this tough experience, so many people I am grateful for. Friends, family, and even complete strangers have been offering to help in any way possible, praying for us, hugging us, and I am forever grateful for all the generosity. I have been saying thank you in so many ways, cards, letters, verbal thank-yous, so many ways that i have tried to put my gratitude into words or action. Today i said a very special thank-you, a thank-you to the firefighters who responded to my son's call. Someone asked me why it meant so much to me to thank them, to show them my gratitude. Though they were not able to revive my sweet son, they did everything that they could, They went above and beyond to try their hardest to bring him back, and it was not their fault that he is gone. I know that they have a difficult job, I know that it cant be easy working so hard on an infant none the less, when I'm sure they have children of their own. It means the world to me that they did everything they could to help him, they got to my house so fast and they did what they had to do, got in and out to try and save him. I cant thank them enough, I went there earlier today to drop off some cup-cakes and a card saying that they are in my prayers. I also gave them a prayer card from his funeral so they could look at it and remember that they had a very special angel watching over them every second and on every call. Unfortunately when I stopped by they were out on a call, the fire chief was there and i gave him everything, and asked him to relay he message of my thanks, Later tonight I ran out really quick and drove by the fire house and decided to stop again. They probably thought I was crazy stopping by at 9 at night but in my heart I just had to say thank you in person. I stopped by and they were there, I was able to relay my gratitude to them and shake the hands of the men who did everything that they could for my bug that day.

Tomorrow is one month since my bug left my side, It is so hard to believe that is has only been a month since I held him, kissed his sweet face, and looked into those amazing big eyes. I never thought it was possible to miss something so much, but then again i never thought i could love something that much either. One of my friends had a post on her Facebook today a quote and it brought tears to my eyes to read it. "They say you don't know what you got until it's gone, but what they really mean is you know what you have all along, you just never think you'll lose it" It's so true, I knew what I had, I knew how special my son was, he meant the world to me, he still does. I just never in a million years dreamed that I would have to go a day without him. I had so many plans for him, sports he would play, music he would like, hobbies that would fill his time, even the schools he would attend and who he would marry. Now I have nothing, but at the same time I have hope. Hope for my future children, that they grow and accomplish the same things that I had hoped my bug would accomplish. Hope that they will do these things in his honor, and remember him as they go through life. Hopes that they be the best people they can be for their brother. Also hope for myself, hope that I can be a good person, hopes that I can better my life to make him proud of me. Hopes that I can do whatever  I can to honor my son, let his memory live on, and spread the word of his short yet wonderful life. It's all I can do. It's only been a month, 4 short weeks, yet it feels like 4 endless centuries. I miss you bug.

Talking About The Bug

Ever since my sweet baby went to be with God people always hesitate talking about him to me. I can understand them not wanting to hurt me and not knowing how to handle the situation. It can be quite awkward and people don't know weather or not I am comfortable talking about him yet. Obviously as you can tell I am (if i wasn't, I wouldn't blog about him) but not everyone knows this. It is hard to talk about him because I miss him so much, but not talking about him doesn't make me miss him any less. It doesn't take away the pain. I find comfort in remembering all the fun times I had with my bug, the moments that I treasure dear. Even though he is gone he is still my son, and what mother doesn't want to talk about her child 24/7. I still love him with all my heart, and I would rather talk about the good memories, the smiles he brought to our faces, the laughter we shared, the cute little things, the not-so-cute little things (like when he peed all over me one morning) than talk about the day he passed or the memories I'm making without him. It helps me to talk about him because it shows that you remember him, you hold him dear, it shows that you care, that he will not be forgotten. So many people don't know how to handle this or how to handle me, I say he is my son, I love him, I cherish him, I cant not talk about my baby. I cant not tell you that my sweet little boy had the cutest little bug eyes, i cant not tell you that my son loved to play patty-cake, I cant not tell you that he loved when you stuck your tongue out at him, it was his favorite game. I will tell you everything about him if you give me the time to, stranger or not. I will tell you that he always fell rite asleep in the car, and he spit-up a lot because he had reflux, and that liked when i would read to him. That's my job as a mother to brag about my son. I will also tell you that he is a special angel and he was too perfect for us, that while we only held him for a little while, he will hold our hearts forever, I will tell you that my baby was too special, too perfect to stay. I love my son more than anything on this earth, I cant imagine a day not saying his name, not looking at his picture, not talking about him or his bug eyes, or his smile, or all the things that I miss so much. I found this poem and it makes so much sense:

Go ahead and Mention my child,
The one that died, you know.
Don't worry about hurting me further.
The depth of my pain doesn't show.
Don't worry about making me cry.
I'm already crying inside.
Help me heal by releasing
The tears that I try and hide.
I'm hurt when you just keep silent,
Pretending he didn't exist.
I'd rather you mention my child,
Knowing that he has been missed.
You asked me how I am doing.
I say "pretty good" or "fine"
But healing is something ongoing.
I feel it will take a lifetime.
--Elizabeth Dent

It's so true, I refuse to pretend that my son didnt exist, that his time on this earth didnt mean something. Talking about me shows that he touched your heart, shows that you will carry a little piece of him forever. He is my son, my child, my angel, and most of all, my pride and joy.

International Wave of Light October 15

October 15 is international wave of light, a day to honor and remember all the little angels who were called to heaven so early. I plan on lighting 4 candles that day, one of course for my sweet angel bug, one for the bug's aunt (my sister) who passed away when I was 6 years old, she was 7 months old. One will be for the bug's uncle (on his daddy's side) who was born asleep about 10 years ago, and also one for all the other angels who i know are in heaven with my sweet bug. I am asking that all the bug's friends light a candle for him on this day, and for all the little angels who are in heaven with him. I am also asking that our friends take a picture of this beautiful honor and send it our way so we can see and share on our blog. I know that the bug's story has touched many across the world and I am hoping that there will be candles lit for him in many places as there are candles lit for him in many hearts.

And I Thought Things Were Getting Better

Today was a really hard day, I know that there are alot more hard days to come, but I really thought I was feeling better. Today is my bugs 3 month birthday. It is also the 3 week anniversary of the day he left us. I just can't believe that it has been 3 weeks since I kissed him last. I never thought in my life I would go this long without kissing my son. It still feels so unreal, it still feels like he is just at his grandma's house or napping in his room. I miss my baby, my sweet bug, my everything, what will I do without him. I know that there will be more days like today but today just hit me so hard.

On another note, yesterday was my sister's 15th birthday. When I was at the mall getting my necklace fixed I saw a chain perfect for her it was a heart with a child standing in it. It was on sale, and I know its more of a mother pendant but it called to me. I have it to her and she cried and so did i, I told her to wear it always to remind her that the bug is always in her heart.

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How this happened...

I have been avoiding posting this but i feel now like i need to and i am ready to tell the story of how my sweet little boy became and angel. I am telling this story for a purpose, that purpose is prevention. It's all that i live for now, preventing this from happening to anyone else. I always thought it wouldnt be me, but i was wrong.

Let me start by saying that I made sure I was educated, I made sure I knew about the dangers that come with being a new mom, dont let them sleep on their belly,dont let them sleep with blankets or stuffed animals, make sure that they are always warm but not too warm, dont leave them alone in the bath tub, even down to dont bundle them up before putting them in the car-seat because it leaves too much room between them and the straps. all the basics to keeping your child safe, i made sure i knew.  I was always very adimate that the bug was not going to sleep in our bed, i knew it was not safe, his daddy was such a hard sleeper and so was I. I did my best to keep my son safe, happy, and made sure that he knew love.

I had just started back to work and was still getting used to my hours, though it's only 9-5 it takes alot out of you taking care of a baby and working, the late night feedings, and on top of it all I had been sick for about a week. I was beyond ehausted. I worked on monday, and fought not coming home because I knew that the bug was not feeling well. I took him to the Dr as soon as I got off work just to make sure he was ok, and he was. Dr said it was just a little virus let it run it's course. I spent the rest of the night just playing with him, loving him, watching him smile, i only wish i would have known that it was my last night with him. at about 9 i tucked him into bed, gave him a kiss, and said our bedtime prayer, just like always. At abotu 11 pm he woke up, and I took him in his room and rocked him back to sleep. I sang to him, and turned on his twilight turtle, which made the ceiling light up with stars, and i rocked him in the rocker for a while, just holding him tight. I put him back in his bed and went to bed myself.

At about 3 am he woke up for his feeding, like usual. I was so tired that I decided to just feed him in bed.( I was still breast feeding) While I was feeding him i fell asleep. A few hours later matt woke up for work and paniced when he saw payton's face against my stomache. He grabbed him and asked is he ok, my first thought was of course he is, we jsut fell asleep, millions of people sleep with their kids in their bed every night, he's fine. I was wrong. Matt said he's not waking up, what's wrong with him. He turned on the light and i saw that the bug was pale and blue. I immediately laid him on the floor in the hallway and started CPR and called 911. Matt ran outside, I couldnt figure out where he was going, I tried so hard to stay calm, it felt like a dream. Matt came running back in a few seconds later with our neighbor, a state police officer. He was still in uniform, he had just gotten home from work. I handed him the baby and screamed please please he's not breathing. He laid him down and took over CPR. I went out in the front yard because I couldnt watch. My neighbor's wife came over and jsut held me in the front yard as I was screaming. it felt like an hour before the paramedics got there but it was only a few minutes. they were so quick, they went in grabbed him and ran out, didnt even take the time to get a gurnee out or anything, they were at my house for maybe 3 minutes. by that time more neighbors had come out to see what was goign on. My mom lives only a few doors down from us, and one of the neighbors had gone to get her already as well so she was with me. One of the neighbors drove us to the hospital where we were met by a nun and a few other family members who lived close by. they immediately brought us into a little room and asked us to wait for a doctor to give us an update. It felt like we were waiting for an hour before 2 doctors came in. They asked what had happened and i told them. They then started telling us a sequence of events "the paramedics responded to your call and brought..." matt stopped them there, We know what happened, how is our son? Then he said the words im sorry and I lost it. I kept telling them no your wrong theres a mistake, your talking about the wrong baby, go back and take care of my son. why arent you working on my son... your wrong he's not gone. I wish that I was right, I wish that they were wrong but my sweet baby was gone. Everything after that was a blur, people kept coming to the hospital, the coronor, detectives, everyone kept asking us the same questions over and over. Finally I snapped, I started hyperventaliating and couldnt take it any more. After they admitted me, i kept telling them i just need to get out of this hospital. The same doctor that just told me my son was gone was now taking care of me and i just couldnt take it. After i was released from the hospital I went to my grandparents house, I didnt know where else to go, I just knew I couldnt go home. The rest of the week went by in slow motion. I just kept telling myself that it was a dream, it felt like a dream, a nightmare that just wouldnt end.

I have told this story ofr a reason, If I can prevent this from happening to anyone, if I have saved 1 child's life by this story, if it has touched you in any way, I know that it will make a differece in your life. It is my goal now, to tell this story, as much as it hurts, to make a difference for my bug.

The Bug with his Grandma and Grandpa

My sweet Bug loved his swing!

Caterpillar bug... looks so sweet wrapped all cozy

Rainbows From the Bug

As i said before, i feel my sweet bug everywhere I go, and sometimes when I feel a tickle or hear a sound, i know it's him. Lately he has been being quite the artist drawing me rainbows everywhere. I have seen 4 in the last week outside, and 1 in my house, all in the past 7 days. 

The first one was when I was on my little mini-vacation get away. It rained all day and as the sun was setting i saw a beautiful rainbow along the sun-set. It's hard to see but it goes from the top right corner to just behind the barn. 

The second one was on tuesday when I was outside with the dogs, I saw it over my neighbor's house, it was so pretty!

The third one was yesterday morning when I woke up, I saw it in my bathroom. I have never seen one in my bathroom before, and couldnt figure out what was making it, it was really wierd but i knew it was from him.

The Fourth one was last night, i went to visit the bug with my mom, and on my way home from the cemetary i saw it. i knew that it was coming too, it was really bright and beautiful but by the time i was able to pull over where i could see it, it was almost gone. It is between the middle and the right side of the picture, its not a full rainbow, and you cant really see it in the picure but it's there

The 5th one was today, i kew it was coming because we were having a sun-shower, and sure enough there it was. 

I'm not the only one that has been seeing them either. my mom said she also saw one in her bathroom while cleaning today, and also my step-mom called me this afternoon to tell me that she saw a really big bright one while driving. I know that this is my bug's way of telling us tha he is still here, reminding us to be happy for him because he is in a beautiful place. I love you my sweet bug, my artist, thank you for drawing us such pretty pictures.

UPDATE: My grandma is visiting my uncle and aunt, and she was at my little cousin's baseball game last night and she said that it started to just mist a little, and when she looked up my aunt and her saw a beautiful DOUBLE rainbow! I have been having friends text me like crazy that they keep seeing them too... The Bug is everywhere!!!

Little Green Blankie

Now that my sweet bug is gone, I find comfort in the things that make me feel the closest to him. The smells, the sounds, anyhting that makes me feel like he is here again. I never knew that the simple smell of spit-up could be such a joy, but im finding that I cant get enough of it. I have a little green blankie that was hand-made for my bug that i keep close to me. It was our favorite blankie, he used it while we were in the hospital and more than any other blankie. Every night i kept it by his crib so that i could use it for his late-night feedings. It has spots of spit up on it, but i dont mind. It's my bugs blankie, I cuddle with it every night like i used to cuddle with him. It has absorbed many tears in these last 2 weeks, but it has also brought me alot of comfort. This blankie is so special because it is filled with so much love. At my baby shower, we played this little game. we used little squares of fabric that were folded into the shape of a diaper. The diapers were passed out to each guest. One special diaper had a little "surprise" in it, it was dirty. After we played the game one of my guests, (the mother-in-law of bug's godmother) asked if she could have all the fabric squares for a quilt. She said that she already had the perfect fabric at home to complete the project. I said, of course! I was so excited!  She had already given me 2 beautiful blankets for the bug, This one is so special because it was touched with so much love for the bug before he even arrived. It's the little things like this, the smells, the paci's. the things that brought him comfort that are all bringing comfort to me now. Just knowing that he once touched something, held it, loved it, makes me want to hold on tight and never let go.

The bug and Daddy cuddling while we were in the hospital, with the bug's special green blankie

The Bug's Work of Art

Today is 2 weeks since my sweet bug left me and my world came crashing down. I have said before how i feel my angel bug everywhere I go, but i think that he is trying to send me messages to tell me to cheer up, hes in a better place and is happy. He has drawn me 2 rainbows now, one last week against a breathtakingly beautiful sunset and one tonight. I know that my sweet bug is trying to tell me that there is still beauty in the world. Trying to remind me that for even something as beautiful as a rainbow, first must come the darkness and rain. It is so hard to get used to him being gone. I am still learning how to switch from living with him to living for him. What i mean by that I am used to doing everything with him, getting him ready everyday to go through the motions of day to day life with me, from the grocery store to Dr's appointments doing everything with me. Now i have to switch gears and do everything for him. I have to do whatever it takes to better myself, to get through this storm, to be a strong mom for him. It sounds so wierd but that is what im having trouble with. Just this morning, my mom called me and asked if i wanted to go with her to run her daily errands and I almost said yeah sure just give me a minute to get the baby ready. It's the thoughts like that that almost kill me. I am still in the habbit of doing everything with my sweet bug. I just miss him so much. I dont want to have to live without him.

My angel Bug's beautiful work of art

Name on the Wall

I went to visit my son for the first time today. It was so wierd to see his name on the wall of the mausoleum that holds his little body. I just wanted to rip it open and grab him and hold him. It still feels so surreal, he would be 12 weeks old today. I cant believe it has been 2 weeks since I gave him a kiss. I never thought id have to bury my son, to read his name on a wall, to have only memories. I miss you my bug, I would give anything to have him back, anything to hold him again. My mom gave me a sweet surprise yesterday, an angel charm with his birthstone for me to always hold my bug close to my heart. I know that i will always carry him with me but it is hard because i dont want him in my heart, i want him in my arms.

My sweet bug you held my hand for a moment, but you will hold my heart forever.