Tuesday, November 1, 2011
I was definately not looking forward to Halloween this year. Usually I decorate the front yard like a cemetary, I dress the dogs up with a theme, and we all trick or treat as a family. I still took the dogs trick or treating this year but thats about it. This would have been the Bug's first holiday, I would have dressed him up as a what he was already, a Bug of course, and taken him from door to door showing him off. I wouldnt even care about the candy, i would just be excited about showing off my pride and joy in a adorable costume. Instead I went to the cemetary, read him a story about halloween, gave him a pumpkin, and told him trick-or-treat there. I told him that I know he was having fun trick-or-treating with the babies in heaven, but not to eat too much candy or he'd get a tummy ache. I told him to use his manners and say please and thank-you at each door. I told him that I love him and I miss him, like I always do. It just wasn't the same. If I had such a hard time with Halloween, how am I going to survive the real painful holidays? Like christmas and thanksgiving. I had so many plans for these holidays. So much excitement to share them with him, I already had his first christmas maped out in my head. Gifts I was going to give him, His first christmas ornament, and now what do I have? Nothing. I feel so cheated, I feel like I got the short end of the stick. I am his mom, I am not supposed to have to visit the cemetary every holiday, especially through the first year of his life, and tell him merry christmas or happy Halloween, even happy valentine's day. This is not how its supposed to be. I should have had more, I need more, I need my son. Nothing about this is fair, I just cant take it anymore. I beg God please, press the rewind button and take me back undo it all, and let me have him back. Let me have at least more time. Let me just have even one more day. But everyday I wake-up still in this nightmare. Will it ever end? Will the hurt ever stop? I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep through all these Holidays. I just want them over with.