Writers Block Release

So if you havent noticed i havent really had much to say these past few weeks, not sure what has been holding me back but everytime i sit down to the computer i just cant get the words to come to me. Last night i eperienced something amazing and i wanted to share it. Next to the day my son entered my life it was the most amazing expereince of my life. I got to witness the birth of a beautiful baby girl, my newest cousin. My aunt and I aren't too far apart in age, she is my youngest uncle's wife, and she is more than my aunt, she is my friend. Her and my uncle welcomed their first child togather about a year and a half ago, he is an adorable little boy who i love to death. then shortly after their son came i found out i was pregnant with payton. We were looking forward to sharing all the little secrets of being moms togather. Then a few weeks before i delivered payton, she informed me that she had another little one on the way. I was so happy, i knew that the 3 of our children would be more than cousins, they would be the best of friends, they would bond the way i bonded with all my cousins when i was younger. I came from a very tight knit family where cousins are more like your brothers and sisters. It's just how we are. The day I lost payton i saw her adn her big round belly and i thought that it would be too much to see that, to see the best friend my son should have had, but it wasnt. I just remember hugging her, and crying, and then rubbing her belly and whispering to my little cousin I love you. I was still happy for my aunt i was just hurt that our fantasy of paly dates, MOPS, and trips to the zoo were not going to include my son.

Throughout the last few weeks my aunt has had me on edge. I have been waiting for the call from her telling me to get to the hospital, she had given me the oppertunity, if i wanted it, to be in the room to witness the birth of her child. I was unsire at first, thinking can i handle that? can i see that? i thought about it and prayed about it and decided that I wanted to experience that. After a while My aunt was told that it looked like she would have to deliver via c-section. I was excited because she said if i wanted i could be in the OR with her so i could still wittness it. One thing led to another and her delivery got scheduled for a day when i had to work, and i was upset thinking i would miss it. I thought that perhaps it was a sign from god and my bug that i just wasnt as ready as i thought i was for that. Thursday night i recieved a text from her that she was havign alot of back pain and was thinking it was time to have the baby. She went into the ER and they said yes you are in labor but not dialated. since her surgery was scheduled for the next day they decided to keep ehr over night. The next morning the doctors decided to let her labor on her own. She was quite excited and so was i, maybe i would be able to wittness the birth afterall. Well after 48 long hours of labor it finally happened. I called after work to get an update and was told were getting set up to push. I was thrilled! I would get to experience it after. I got to the hospital as they were setting up her room, happy for the perfect timing! After everything got underway i decided to stand where i could see the birth but also be near the door just incase i became overwhelmed. It was amazing, My aunt did so good, within 20 minutes of pushing baby was out! couldnt believe it! I got a little overwhelmed after when the nurse was stimulating the baby to breathe. She kept saying breathe baby come on baby just breathe i couldnt take hearing that. It was such a beautiful thing to get to see somethign so special happen, to see this child enter the world. It was so different than when i delivered payton because i didnt get to watch and i was so out of it, i hope that i will be blessed enough to experience that some day. For the first time today, instead of playing payton's death over and over in my mind, i am replaying her birth, a much happier experience.

Exxperiencing this has been so amazing for me. It made me start thinking, how wonderful would it be to do this every day. It makes me want to look into being a doulah and working with families to welcome their children and mommies welcome their angels and rainbows. I just wanted to share with everyone how magical the experience was to be there nad see it. Aunt, you did such an amazing experience, thank you for letting me be apart of it.

Christmas... Really?

So I am really trying not to be a scrooge this year, not to be a party pooper. i understand that the holidays are a time to be joyful and giving, and i am doing my best to keep that spirit, i just do see what i really have to be thankful and joyful about this year. I should be joyful for the time that i had with my baby, i should be joyful for the love he gave me, but its so hard with him gone. every time i see a baby's first christmas ornament i just want to lose it. im supposed to be looking at toys and things to get him for christmas, im supposed to be so excited about helping him open his presents, i should be wanting to put up the tree already so he can enjoy the pretty lights, instead im just wishing i could go to sleep and not wake up untill january. I dont know how to get through this holiday season without him, how am i going to go to decorate his tree in the cemetary, how am i going to sing him christmas songs, how am i going to celebrate when he is gone? i dont even want to put up a tree this year, but i know i have to, i have to for him because even though he wont be here to open his gifts christmas morning, he will be there with us that morning, and im sure thats what he would want. i miss you angel bug... i know youll ahve a good christmas in heaven :(

You Think You Know Best...

I am so far beyond aggravated today… the one thing that I wanted to come out of my son’s death is to save the lives of other children… how can I do that when the parents of those children are too darn stubborn and think that they aren’t doing anything wrong… there is a online discussion I took part in, and all these people keep saying “firm bed+ no pillows+ no drugs/ alcahol+ breastfeeding mommy= safe bedsharing” NOT TRUE!!!!!!! These are the conditions of our bed when my son lost his life, he did not suffocate on a pillow or blanket, we did not roll, he suffocated when he buried his face in my breast! If bed-sharing is so safe then why am I member of an entire group of people who had their babies in “safe bed-sharing environments” when they lost their child as well? It’s too late for my son, my baby is gone, I cant choose where he sleeps anymore because he sleeps with god. What I can do is just keep going, telling his story, telling people about him, and telling people what they can do to prevent this from happening to them. Then after that I can only pray, I can only pray that people listen, pray that they understand that the risk is not worth the reward, pray that they don’t put their child’s life on the line, pray that they see that no matter what an adult bed is in no way safe for any child, for any reason, for any amount of time. If you choose not to listen, if you think my story is no big deal, I must have done something wrong and it wont happen to you, than all I can do is pray for your child. Pray this won’t happen to them and pray that you wont wake up the way I did that morning and just wish you could un-do what had been done. All I wanted was for the lives of children to be saved through my story, but I can’t do that if the parents of those children are too ignorant to the dangers even after I try to inform them!!

Help me understand

I understand that everyone is different, and no two people grieve the same way. What i feel about losing my son is so different from what my family is feeling, what other mothers are feeling who have lost a child, no two stories are alike. the best way to put it is we have all reached a destination in life, the destination of losing a child, however each one of us reached this destination by traveling down a different path. I just want to understand how the people closest to me are grieving and it is killing me. i want to understand mostly how payton's daddy is grieving. It just kills me that we are taking this so differently, i feel like now more than ever we need to be togather, we need to cling to eachother and pull eachother through this. It's so hard to do that because we are taking this in such different ways. i know the statistics of couples making it this day in age, and it is scary. but even more i know the statistics of a couple making it through this eperience, it makes thins a million times harder. I want more than anything for us to survive this for our son, to be his parents togather. no matter where life takes us i know it is meant to be, i just pray that life keeps us togather, as a family, in honor of our Bug.

Trick-or-Treat Bug!

I was definately not looking forward to Halloween this year. Usually I decorate the front yard like a cemetary, I dress the dogs up with a theme, and we all trick or treat as a family. I still took the dogs trick or treating this year but thats about it. This would have been the Bug's first holiday, I would have dressed him up as a what he was already, a Bug of course, and taken him from door to door showing him off. I wouldnt even care about the candy, i would just be excited about showing off my pride and joy in a adorable costume. Instead I went to the cemetary, read him a story about halloween, gave him a pumpkin, and told him trick-or-treat there. I told him that I know he was having fun trick-or-treating with the babies in heaven, but not to eat too much candy or he'd get a tummy ache. I told him to use his manners and say please and thank-you at each door. I told him that I love him and I miss him, like I always do. It just wasn't the same. If I had such a hard time with Halloween, how am I going to survive the real painful holidays? Like christmas and thanksgiving. I had so many plans for these holidays. So much excitement to share them with him, I already had his first christmas maped out in my head. Gifts I was going to give him, His first christmas ornament, and now what do I have? Nothing. I feel so cheated, I feel like I got the short end of the stick. I am his mom, I am not supposed to have to visit the cemetary every holiday, especially through the first year of  his life, and tell him merry christmas or happy Halloween, even happy valentine's day. This is not how its supposed to be. I should have had more, I need more, I need my son. Nothing about this is fair, I just cant take it anymore. I beg God please, press the rewind button and take me back undo it all, and let me have him back. Let me have at least more time. Let me just have even one more day. But everyday I wake-up still in this nightmare. Will it ever end? Will the hurt ever stop? I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep through all these Holidays. I just want them over with.