Friday, September 30, 2011

Rainbows From the Bug

As i said before, i feel my sweet bug everywhere I go, and sometimes when I feel a tickle or hear a sound, i know it's him. Lately he has been being quite the artist drawing me rainbows everywhere. I have seen 4 in the last week outside, and 1 in my house, all in the past 7 days. 

The first one was when I was on my little mini-vacation get away. It rained all day and as the sun was setting i saw a beautiful rainbow along the sun-set. It's hard to see but it goes from the top right corner to just behind the barn. 

The second one was on tuesday when I was outside with the dogs, I saw it over my neighbor's house, it was so pretty!

The third one was yesterday morning when I woke up, I saw it in my bathroom. I have never seen one in my bathroom before, and couldnt figure out what was making it, it was really wierd but i knew it was from him.

The Fourth one was last night, i went to visit the bug with my mom, and on my way home from the cemetary i saw it. i knew that it was coming too, it was really bright and beautiful but by the time i was able to pull over where i could see it, it was almost gone. It is between the middle and the right side of the picture, its not a full rainbow, and you cant really see it in the picure but it's there

The 5th one was today, i kew it was coming because we were having a sun-shower, and sure enough there it was. 

I'm not the only one that has been seeing them either. my mom said she also saw one in her bathroom while cleaning today, and also my step-mom called me this afternoon to tell me that she saw a really big bright one while driving. I know that this is my bug's way of telling us tha he is still here, reminding us to be happy for him because he is in a beautiful place. I love you my sweet bug, my artist, thank you for drawing us such pretty pictures.

UPDATE: My grandma is visiting my uncle and aunt, and she was at my little cousin's baseball game last night and she said that it started to just mist a little, and when she looked up my aunt and her saw a beautiful DOUBLE rainbow! I have been having friends text me like crazy that they keep seeing them too... The Bug is everywhere!!!

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Little Green Blankie

Now that my sweet bug is gone, I find comfort in the things that make me feel the closest to him. The smells, the sounds, anyhting that makes me feel like he is here again. I never knew that the simple smell of spit-up could be such a joy, but im finding that I cant get enough of it. I have a little green blankie that was hand-made for my bug that i keep close to me. It was our favorite blankie, he used it while we were in the hospital and more than any other blankie. Every night i kept it by his crib so that i could use it for his late-night feedings. It has spots of spit up on it, but i dont mind. It's my bugs blankie, I cuddle with it every night like i used to cuddle with him. It has absorbed many tears in these last 2 weeks, but it has also brought me alot of comfort. This blankie is so special because it is filled with so much love. At my baby shower, we played this little game. we used little squares of fabric that were folded into the shape of a diaper. The diapers were passed out to each guest. One special diaper had a little "surprise" in it, it was dirty. After we played the game one of my guests, (the mother-in-law of bug's godmother) asked if she could have all the fabric squares for a quilt. She said that she already had the perfect fabric at home to complete the project. I said, of course! I was so excited!  She had already given me 2 beautiful blankets for the bug, This one is so special because it was touched with so much love for the bug before he even arrived. It's the little things like this, the smells, the paci's. the things that brought him comfort that are all bringing comfort to me now. Just knowing that he once touched something, held it, loved it, makes me want to hold on tight and never let go.

The bug and Daddy cuddling while we were in the hospital, with the bug's special green blankie

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

The Bug's Work of Art

Today is 2 weeks since my sweet bug left me and my world came crashing down. I have said before how i feel my angel bug everywhere I go, but i think that he is trying to send me messages to tell me to cheer up, hes in a better place and is happy. He has drawn me 2 rainbows now, one last week against a breathtakingly beautiful sunset and one tonight. I know that my sweet bug is trying to tell me that there is still beauty in the world. Trying to remind me that for even something as beautiful as a rainbow, first must come the darkness and rain. It is so hard to get used to him being gone. I am still learning how to switch from living with him to living for him. What i mean by that I am used to doing everything with him, getting him ready everyday to go through the motions of day to day life with me, from the grocery store to Dr's appointments doing everything with me. Now i have to switch gears and do everything for him. I have to do whatever it takes to better myself, to get through this storm, to be a strong mom for him. It sounds so wierd but that is what im having trouble with. Just this morning, my mom called me and asked if i wanted to go with her to run her daily errands and I almost said yeah sure just give me a minute to get the baby ready. It's the thoughts like that that almost kill me. I am still in the habbit of doing everything with my sweet bug. I just miss him so much. I dont want to have to live without him.

My angel Bug's beautiful work of art

Monday, September 26, 2011

Name on the Wall

I went to visit my son for the first time today. It was so wierd to see his name on the wall of the mausoleum that holds his little body. I just wanted to rip it open and grab him and hold him. It still feels so surreal, he would be 12 weeks old today. I cant believe it has been 2 weeks since I gave him a kiss. I never thought id have to bury my son, to read his name on a wall, to have only memories. I miss you my bug, I would give anything to have him back, anything to hold him again. My mom gave me a sweet surprise yesterday, an angel charm with his birthstone for me to always hold my bug close to my heart. I know that i will always carry him with me but it is hard because i dont want him in my heart, i want him in my arms.

My sweet bug you held my hand for a moment, but you will hold my heart forever.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

I see him everywhere...

This weekend was a very busy weekend for my family. yesterday we had an event for a motorcycle group that my dad is a member of and has been a big support for us through this loss, and today was my little brother's birthday so we went to farm and picked apples and berries. It was so hard because i had been looking so forward to this weekend for so long now. I already had the bug's outfit picked out for the event, he had a harley davidson shirt that said my grandpa rides a harley and he even had little shoes with skull and cross bones and a leather vest to wear too. It was all planned. And i was so excited about taking him apple picking, I thought it was be so much fun for him. It is so hard because all these things that i wanted to do with him just arent the same without him. It killed me seeing all the kids at the orchard today, seeing all the families, I would give anyhting to be able to make more memories with him. I'm grateful for the time we had with him but it just wasnt enough. We didnt have enough time, enough memories, enough smiles, i gave him a million kisses in 10 short weeks, but even that was not enough. I just miss him so much.

My dad and the Bug taking a nap... if you look closely, the bug is wearing a Harley Davidson Hat, my dad said we had to start him early.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Feeling the Love

Since my sweet bug went to be with god, I have had so much love being sent my way. It is comforting to know that my bug had such a strong effect of the lives of so many people. So many people have been praying for him and me and our friends and family. I have had complete strangers who know nothing about me or my bug saying prayers from across the country. I know that it cant bring him back, nothing will, and this pain will never go away, but it helps knowing that my bug is still alive in so many hearts of so many people. Each heart his story touches, is another heart for him to live on in. I just want to thank everyone for the outreach of support and love, the prayers, the thoughts, everything that you have sent our way. As much as it hurts i know my bug will forever live on in your hearts as well as mine.

Trying to Escape the Pain

This is the hardest thing I will ever endure. Everywhere I go I feel my bug. We went on a mini vacation to my uncle's house which is in Middleofnowhere, USA and I still feel the hurt. I know i cant escape it, I was just hoping to leave some of it behind. It just hurts making memories without my bug. I know that he is always with me though, and i know he is sending me little messages from heaven to remind me that he loves me. Last night we were looking at the stars by the campfire and finally got enough service to hear a song on Pandora radio, the song played and then we lost service again. I know it was my bug by the song that played. Then today it was a rainy gloomy day all day and then tonight just at sunset, the rain stopped and i saw the most beautiful rainbow and sunset that i have seen in a long time, it was the bug drawing me a picture. It hurts so much because i want him here with me, in my arms, but when i see things like that it reminds me that he is still here, always with me, always loving me as much as i love him. I just wish I could leave the pain for one day. I thank god for the support i have had from friends and family because without it i would not be able to make it through this.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Just One Week

One week ago today I lost my sweet bug. It seems like so much more than that. The smiles and laughs that filled our home feel like they have been gone for decades now. I miss holding him, I miss kissing him, I miss seeing those sweet big eyes. I didnt ever think i would have to go throught this. The thought of leaving him for 8 hours a day while i was at work used to terrify me, now to think that i have gone a week without him and will go weeks more is just too much to grasp. Now i just have to continue on and learn to live again. It's so hard everywhere i go i see him, i remember him, I never want to forget, and i know i never will, but now it just hurts to think that i cant make any more memories with him. The hard places are the ones where you dont think will hurt, the grocery store, the pharmacy, even the veternarian's office. I just think of all the people that used to stop me and compliment me on how precious he was, I think of the nurses at the vet's office who just adored his smile, its the little memories that hurt to remember the most, those simple moments that you capture from day to day that just hurt the most. i literally have to learn how to re-live my life without my bug. nothing will ever be the same.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

One last lullaby

While I was still in the hospital after having my sweet bug, I was listening to the radio and heard this song. It said so many of the feelings that i had for my sweet bug, and it became our song. I sang it to him quite often. When we laid the bug to rest, I sang it to him one last time.

The Bug

July 4th 2011 was a special day. while everyone was celebrating the nations birthday with fireworks and sparklers, I had a different birthday to celebrate. After 7 hours of labor and an emergency c-section, my sweet baby boy entered this world. He was so tiny with thick brown hair and these amazing eyes that just captured your heart. It was the most amazing day of my life. I have never felt that much joy and love. He was just too perfect for words. I saw pure love when I saw his daddy look in his eyes, and just thanked god for giving us such a beautiful thing.

As the bug grew, so did his eyes. my sweet baby got the name "bug" because he had these hudge round eyes that just looked like they were about to pop put of his head! I never knew it was so possible to love something so much. I couldnt get ehough of him, I just wanted to hold him kiss him squeeze him and never let him go. The thought of leaving him for even a minute broke my heart. The bug had so much family that loved him that much too, we are both from large families that live so close, we used to joke and say tht family had to make appointments to see him because there was not enough time in the day!

Every moment spent with the bug was more precious than the last. as his sweet littler personality developed we just loved him more. He loved the simple things in life, sticking your tounge out at him, playing patty cake, making his feet clap, and getting raspberries on his tummy. These things all made him just smile the biggest sweetest toothless grin from ear to ear. It was truly priceless. He was such a happy baby.

On September 13th 2011 my world came crashing down. It was the worst day of my life. While we were sleeping the bug went to be with the angels. It all happened so fast, but it felt like a car-crash in slow motion. I lost it. I didnt think I could go on. The hardest part was learning how to live without him. I have now made it my life goal, from this point forward to live for my son, to spread the word about his short life, and to do whatever it takes to prevent this from happening to anyone else. I now live for the bug, every second, every minute, every day.