Tuesday, September 11, 2012

One year later...

One of the last pictures taken of my bug, a few days before he passed, at the local fair, he was amazed by all the lights anbd sounds from the carnival rides and games, his eyes were so bright all night :)
One year has passed, one full year, 366 days (it was a leap year) since I last held my baby, since I kiss him, since I held him in my arms and rocked him to sleep his last night, I cherish that quality time I had with him, I thank god he wouldn’t fall asleep because rocking him that night, singing him that last lullaby, holding him in his room, im glad that is how I spent my last night with him. I cherish that night so dearly. But where am I now, I look back at the journey I have taken this last year and I do have to say I am quite proud of my bug for making me so strong. I have been told by many this past year that I am an inspiration, that my bravery and love for my son inspires them to be strong when much smaller obstacles come their way. I have thought so much about it and have said it before, I cant take credit for being amazing, or strong, or anyone’s inspiration. I give all the credit to my bug. He is the one who makes me strong, that makes me brave, that inspires me to go on and carry on in his name, he does it all, not me. He deserves every bit of credit. I mean im one proud mama, my son’s life was very sadly, tragically short, too short for me, 10 weeks that’s all he got on this planet, and look what my son accomplished in that 10 weeks, it may not have seemed like a lot when he was here, but he has touched so many hearts and changed so many lives, and saved lives too! Most adults live their entire lives not accomplishing what my baby did in 10 weeks. I first noticed it at his services, the amount of people in the funeral home, I mean you could barely move, there was not a seat open, and at his funeral there were people crammed in lined up in the back of the chapel, my baby had a motorcycle escort and a funeral procession that went on for miles, literally MILES! All those people had love for my bug! I saw it in the hundreds of Facebook posts made about me and my son, all the prayers and love and virtual hugs that were sent my way for my bug, complete strangers literally all over the world thinking of my son.  The fact that in 10 short weeks he made such a difference in this world, its amazing and truly shows me that he is the inspiration not me. I look at all the people I have met in this year, all the paths I have crossed, all the people that the bug has brought into my lives, and all the lives he has led me into. Its truly amazing. i thank god for my baby every day, I thank god for giving me the most amazing blessing, for seeing me fit enough to hold that beyond beautiful, literally perfect child in my arms for 10 short weeks and in my heart for the rest of my life until he is in my arms once more. I don’t know what I did to deserve such a blessing but im so glad I did it. I posted something on my facebook earlier today that said “you were given this life because you are strong enough to handle it” it’s true, I know so many other people who have been through a similar experience to min and have either shut down, or turned to drugs or alcohol, or severe depression, and with this much pain and heartache believe me its very understandable to do those things. But I chose not to, the way I have seen it is my son is watching my every move every minute of every day, and im not perfect by any means im sure that I have let him down a few times this past year, but im sure that he is very happy he doesn’t have to worry about me being sad, laying in bed crying all day every day which is of course what I want to do. But what would that show him? That I loved him, that I miss him, I have chosen to show my son those thing in other ways,  by carrying on his legacy, by being strong for him, by saving lives in his name, by education people on safe sleep, by, and by talking about him constantly, and by making every day I live about him. I am still shattered, I still cry, I still have moments of pain, and weakness, moments where I just lay there stare at his picture and beg god for him back, I always will, no matter how much my woulds heal the scars remain and it will never fully go away. I have to live with this pain forever, I have to learn how to live with it. But I will because my bug makes me strong enough to do it. I have come a long way over the past year, it has been a roller coaster full of ups downs, twists, turns, bumps and shakes, and its not over yet, but I have made it, with my head held high, because I want my son to be proud of me. And ya know what, I really feel like he is <3