Wednesday, February 15, 2012
The one thing that I have been trying to do is turn to god through my pain. This is so hard because I am so confused as to why this is all happening and I know that he knows the answers to the questions, I know this is in his control and I cant do anything about it, its up to him. A lot of people get mad at god after a loss like this because they blame him. I like to think that god doesn’t do things like this to hurt or to punish but to teach. We don’t always understand the lesson he is teaching, it may not always be clear but if we trust in him, if we just hand it over to him, just surrender to him and pray things will work out. That’s the hard part, prayer, usually lately my prayers turn to one of two things “please please please give him back” or “why me, why him?” I know that this is something I need to work on because I know that god is not going to undo the past few months, he is not going to just erase it all un do it and make it go away, im sure there is a rewind button in heaven somewhere but I know that he never uses it, he took my son for a reason, as much as I hate it it was no mistake or accident there was a reason. As to why me and why him, I used to just wonder why bad things happened to good people now I think that bad things happen to good people because we are the ones strong enough to pull through, because our hearts are so big and full of kindness and love and that makes us stronger. I know that the more I understand the closer I get to god the easier this will become and the less I will hurt. Its just trying ot get on the same page with God, to trust in him. The hardest part is to learn and practice patience. I know that things happen when they happen because god wants them to happen that way, I just need to let him take the wheel a little more and trust that if I praise him, if I love him, keep my faith in him and pray things will all work out, easier said than done sometimes.
this song is so painful to listen to but it is so true, i just hurt because i dont know how long i have to wait untill i see my son again, i dont know why i have to hurt like this, and even if i did know it wouldnt be better because i would still be here without him. i always say half my heart lives in heaven and its so true.
I understand that my situation is complicated and that not everyone understands it, I understand that people will be uncomfortable because they don’t want to make me hurt worse. These are the things that people don’t get that hurt the most though.
1.) Not talking about my baby makes me feel like you are either A forgetting him or B trying to pretend like he never existed. I want to hear his name every day, show me you love him, show me you miss him, show me you remember and honor him, say his name, talk about how much you miss him and the good times you remember because that shows me that he lives on in your heart. His name is music to my ears, it may make me cry, but not hearing it makes me cry more.
2.) A few months have passed but I will never be over it!!!!!!!! This is not something that I will get over, ever. You don’t get over this, it is impossible, you get through it, you get stronger, and you learn to live, but until I figure out how to do all that give me time. I may have a few good days, I may have a full week or even a few good full weeks but that doesn’t mean that I am better. I am going to have bad days, a week from now I will still hurt and may have a bad day, a year from now, 5 years from now. Especially on anniversaries and his birthday and every holiday that I have to spend without him. Please, please don’t give me slack about it, tell me to get over it, or tell me that its been long enough that these rough days should be past because they will never pass, as long as I m without my son these days will come. Please just be patient until I learn how to re-live my life without him, its not an easy task.
3.) Not every loss is the same. No one knows how I feel but me. You may know this kind of pain, you know what it feels like to miss someone so much that it physically hurts, to just yearn for their touch again. The best way to describe it is everyone who has lost someone walks down a path; our paths all have different bumps, twists, turns, and obstacles, and however at the same time our paths walk in a parallel direction. No two paths are identical so I don’t know how you feel and you don’t know how I feel. I do understand that people say this out of compassion, and I am not saying by ANY means that my loss is more painful than someone else’s, or that someone else’s loss is less than mine, they are all different, for example I have had mothers who lost a baby before their birth tell me that they feel for me because I had time to bond with Bug and that must have made it that much harder to lose him, that they can’t imagine the pain. I on the other hand feel the opposite, I have 10 weeks of memories with my bug, I know what his smile looks like, I know what his bug eyes looked like, what he liked, 10 weeks of love and memories, something a mother who suffered a miscarriage or stillbirth did not get. I can’t imagine what my life would be like without that 10 weeks. Doesn’t mean that their loss is greater than mine or mine greater than theirs just different. No 2 stories are the same no 2 losses are the same. We all have one thing in common that makes our losses hurt unbearably, we all miss someone we love more than the air we breathe.
4.) Don’t tell me I can have more kids. I can have 50 more kids but none of them will be him. I will love them as much as I loved him, I may even value them more because of what I have learned through my loss but another child will never ever replace him. I will always hurt because he is not here, watching my future children will hurt because it will make me realize how much I will miss out on with my bug. A child is not a band-aid, a quick fix, or an eraser. It will never fix or heal or undo my pain but it will bring a light back into my life.
Now saying this I know that not all people say or do things with the intention of hurting me or making me uncomfortable. I get my situation is different and difficult to understand, but please please just try to understand, don’t be afraid to ask me how I feel about something, don’t be afraid to ask what I want from you or what makes me feel comfortable or uncomfortable.
So it has been a long time since I have blogged I just haven’t had the time but I will be posting a few at a time here and there to catch up starting with this one
Just when I thought things were getting better I get that sucker punch that I have been waiting on. Reality. It has been 5 months now and things are getting so much harder every day,. The panic attacks, the breakdowns, I used to cry a few times a day a few minutes at a time, now it’s a few times a day for an hour or so at a time. I have been told that this is because the reality has set in, things are more and more real now, I think it’s because I’ve just had enough. 5 months is enough time without my baby, 5 months has been enough time without kissing him, without feeling his fuzzy head, 5 months without hearing his cry, and it’s just too much. I don’t want to do it another day, I don’t want to go one more day without him and each day that I go without him this pain grows and it grows. I feel like I’m at my limit, I feel like I’m just done. I just want him back, I just miss him, I would give the world for my baby back, I would give anything to just hold him again, to rock him to sleep again. I just feel like I have had enough pain and I can’t escape it, I can’t make it stop growing and I can’t get through it. I want it to all be over but I know that it will never be over, not until god decided that he is ready to call me home to be with my baby. Then it will be over. Everyone told me to prepare myself because things would get worse before they got better but at the time I didn’t think that it was possible for things to be worse but I was wrong, so wrong, they are worse, much much worse. When it hits you, it finally hits you like a ton of bricks. I’m just waiting for this to get better, everyone keeps saying it will god I hope they are right not sure how much more of this I can take.