I understand that my situation is complicated and that not everyone understands it, I understand that people will be uncomfortable because they don’t want to make me hurt worse. These are the things that people don’t get that hurt the most though.
1.) Not talking about my baby makes me feel like you are either A forgetting him or B trying to pretend like he never existed. I want to hear his name every day, show me you love him, show me you miss him, show me you remember and honor him, say his name, talk about how much you miss him and the good times you remember because that shows me that he lives on in your heart. His name is music to my ears, it may make me cry, but not hearing it makes me cry more.
2.) A few months have passed but I will never be over it!!!!!!!! This is not something that I will get over, ever. You don’t get over this, it is impossible, you get through it, you get stronger, and you learn to live, but until I figure out how to do all that give me time. I may have a few good days, I may have a full week or even a few good full weeks but that doesn’t mean that I am better. I am going to have bad days, a week from now I will still hurt and may have a bad day, a year from now, 5 years from now. Especially on anniversaries and his birthday and every holiday that I have to spend without him. Please, please don’t give me slack about it, tell me to get over it, or tell me that its been long enough that these rough days should be past because they will never pass, as long as I m without my son these days will come. Please just be patient until I learn how to re-live my life without him, its not an easy task.
3.) Not every loss is the same. No one knows how I feel but me. You may know this kind of pain, you know what it feels like to miss someone so much that it physically hurts, to just yearn for their touch again. The best way to describe it is everyone who has lost someone walks down a path; our paths all have different bumps, twists, turns, and obstacles, and however at the same time our paths walk in a parallel direction. No two paths are identical so I don’t know how you feel and you don’t know how I feel. I do understand that people say this out of compassion, and I am not saying by ANY means that my loss is more painful than someone else’s, or that someone else’s loss is less than mine, they are all different, for example I have had mothers who lost a baby before their birth tell me that they feel for me because I had time to bond with Bug and that must have made it that much harder to lose him, that they can’t imagine the pain. I on the other hand feel the opposite, I have 10 weeks of memories with my bug, I know what his smile looks like, I know what his bug eyes looked like, what he liked, 10 weeks of love and memories, something a mother who suffered a miscarriage or stillbirth did not get. I can’t imagine what my life would be like without that 10 weeks. Doesn’t mean that their loss is greater than mine or mine greater than theirs just different. No 2 stories are the same no 2 losses are the same. We all have one thing in common that makes our losses hurt unbearably, we all miss someone we love more than the air we breathe.
4.) Don’t tell me I can have more kids. I can have 50 more kids but none of them will be him. I will love them as much as I loved him, I may even value them more because of what I have learned through my loss but another child will never ever replace him. I will always hurt because he is not here, watching my future children will hurt because it will make me realize how much I will miss out on with my bug. A child is not a band-aid, a quick fix, or an eraser. It will never fix or heal or undo my pain but it will bring a light back into my life.
Now saying this I know that not all people say or do things with the intention of hurting me or making me uncomfortable. I get my situation is different and difficult to understand, but please please just try to understand, don’t be afraid to ask me how I feel about something, don’t be afraid to ask what I want from you or what makes me feel comfortable or uncomfortable.
Your story is so heartbreaking and I really thank you for sharing it with us. I know this will stay with me and I will think about your Bug every day. I had a misscarriage at 16 weeks and like your 3rd topic, I feel that your loss is greater than mine. I shouldn't but I do. I love that you acknowledge that everyone who loses a child, born or not - hurts incredibly, I thank you for that because not many people understand that. I also thank you for opening my eyes to safe sleeping. Reading REAL stories like yours and not just textbook advice a midwife gives you makes it real and has definitely changed how I will do things when I finally have a living child. I called my sister-in-law straight away after reading your story and told her about what can happen as I know sometimes she feeds my nephew in bed. You've definitely succeeded in what you set out to do, in saving babies lives. Because you've changed my mind on things I will do with my children, and what others will do with their children when I advise them and tell them your story. My thoughts are with you and your bug always! Have fun with the angels gorgeous boy! xxxxx
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