Sunday, January 6, 2013
I was watching TV tonight and I was watching a wedding show and I saw the groom dancing his special dance with his mother. I know this sounds crazy but I started to cry because it made me realize that I am going to miss out on so much. I only got 10 weeks with my Bug, and in those 10 weeks, I have a lot of great memories. Memories that I will cherish forever, memories that I will always hold in a special place in my heart, the most special moments of my life. I just think of the lifetime of memories that I will be missing out on. I will miss so much, I already missed his first steps, his first words, his first tooth, and I realized that 20 years from now, I will be missing so much more. I never get to teach him to drive, watch him go to prom, play football, watch him graduate. I will never get to dance with him at his wedding or watch him become a father. I will even miss out on the moments that parents don’t enjoy as much like catching him with alcohol underage, or yelling at him for staying out too late without calling me. I am missing everything. I just realized how much I miss him now will never go away, because 20 years from now, I will still be missing those moments that I should get as a mother. I am confident that someday I will have another child and get to experience these moments, however it won’t be with my Bug. And I realized that all that time from now it will still be hard. I will never stop missing out on my Bug’s life, or missing him. I am forever going to have to sit on the sidelines of other children born the same time as my Bug and think, that should be me. That should be my son, I have to just learn how to live with the fact I can’t change it, I can’t have these lost moments, I can’t make these memories, but it isn’t any easier. I just have to adjust to it and keep going on with my life. I will always miss my son, no matter how much time passes by, no matter where my life goes, or how many other children I have, I will always miss my baby. It is the life I am now forced to live without my son.