Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Just when I thought things were Improving...
So it has been a long time since I have blogged I just haven’t had the time but I will be posting a few at a time here and there to catch up starting with this one
Just when I thought things were getting better I get that sucker punch that I have been waiting on. Reality. It has been 5 months now and things are getting so much harder every day,. The panic attacks, the breakdowns, I used to cry a few times a day a few minutes at a time, now it’s a few times a day for an hour or so at a time. I have been told that this is because the reality has set in, things are more and more real now, I think it’s because I’ve just had enough. 5 months is enough time without my baby, 5 months has been enough time without kissing him, without feeling his fuzzy head, 5 months without hearing his cry, and it’s just too much. I don’t want to do it another day, I don’t want to go one more day without him and each day that I go without him this pain grows and it grows. I feel like I’m at my limit, I feel like I’m just done. I just want him back, I just miss him, I would give the world for my baby back, I would give anything to just hold him again, to rock him to sleep again. I just feel like I have had enough pain and I can’t escape it, I can’t make it stop growing and I can’t get through it. I want it to all be over but I know that it will never be over, not until god decided that he is ready to call me home to be with my baby. Then it will be over. Everyone told me to prepare myself because things would get worse before they got better but at the time I didn’t think that it was possible for things to be worse but I was wrong, so wrong, they are worse, much much worse. When it hits you, it finally hits you like a ton of bricks. I’m just waiting for this to get better, everyone keeps saying it will god I hope they are right not sure how much more of this I can take.