Sunday, November 20, 2011

Writers Block Release

So if you havent noticed i havent really had much to say these past few weeks, not sure what has been holding me back but everytime i sit down to the computer i just cant get the words to come to me. Last night i eperienced something amazing and i wanted to share it. Next to the day my son entered my life it was the most amazing expereince of my life. I got to witness the birth of a beautiful baby girl, my newest cousin. My aunt and I aren't too far apart in age, she is my youngest uncle's wife, and she is more than my aunt, she is my friend. Her and my uncle welcomed their first child togather about a year and a half ago, he is an adorable little boy who i love to death. then shortly after their son came i found out i was pregnant with payton. We were looking forward to sharing all the little secrets of being moms togather. Then a few weeks before i delivered payton, she informed me that she had another little one on the way. I was so happy, i knew that the 3 of our children would be more than cousins, they would be the best of friends, they would bond the way i bonded with all my cousins when i was younger. I came from a very tight knit family where cousins are more like your brothers and sisters. It's just how we are. The day I lost payton i saw her adn her big round belly and i thought that it would be too much to see that, to see the best friend my son should have had, but it wasnt. I just remember hugging her, and crying, and then rubbing her belly and whispering to my little cousin I love you. I was still happy for my aunt i was just hurt that our fantasy of paly dates, MOPS, and trips to the zoo were not going to include my son.

Throughout the last few weeks my aunt has had me on edge. I have been waiting for the call from her telling me to get to the hospital, she had given me the oppertunity, if i wanted it, to be in the room to witness the birth of her child. I was unsire at first, thinking can i handle that? can i see that? i thought about it and prayed about it and decided that I wanted to experience that. After a while My aunt was told that it looked like she would have to deliver via c-section. I was excited because she said if i wanted i could be in the OR with her so i could still wittness it. One thing led to another and her delivery got scheduled for a day when i had to work, and i was upset thinking i would miss it. I thought that perhaps it was a sign from god and my bug that i just wasnt as ready as i thought i was for that. Thursday night i recieved a text from her that she was havign alot of back pain and was thinking it was time to have the baby. She went into the ER and they said yes you are in labor but not dialated. since her surgery was scheduled for the next day they decided to keep ehr over night. The next morning the doctors decided to let her labor on her own. She was quite excited and so was i, maybe i would be able to wittness the birth afterall. Well after 48 long hours of labor it finally happened. I called after work to get an update and was told were getting set up to push. I was thrilled! I would get to experience it after. I got to the hospital as they were setting up her room, happy for the perfect timing! After everything got underway i decided to stand where i could see the birth but also be near the door just incase i became overwhelmed. It was amazing, My aunt did so good, within 20 minutes of pushing baby was out! couldnt believe it! I got a little overwhelmed after when the nurse was stimulating the baby to breathe. She kept saying breathe baby come on baby just breathe i couldnt take hearing that. It was such a beautiful thing to get to see somethign so special happen, to see this child enter the world. It was so different than when i delivered payton because i didnt get to watch and i was so out of it, i hope that i will be blessed enough to experience that some day. For the first time today, instead of playing payton's death over and over in my mind, i am replaying her birth, a much happier experience.

Exxperiencing this has been so amazing for me. It made me start thinking, how wonderful would it be to do this every day. It makes me want to look into being a doulah and working with families to welcome their children and mommies welcome their angels and rainbows. I just wanted to share with everyone how magical the experience was to be there nad see it. Aunt, you did such an amazing experience, thank you for letting me be apart of it.

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