Wow! has it really been that long??

So i know it has been ages since i have been here nad i really have alot to talk about because it has been so long so i think that i am going to TRY my best to do a few blogs a week in an attempt to catch up.

Alot has happened since i was here last, the numbness is finally wearing off and this is all becoming too real. It makes me just want to press pause and stay with the numbness forever. when it is gone i have to finally accept the fact that he is gone. We got a real punch to the gut about a week after thanksgiving, it was a bittersweet event. his headstone at the cemetery finally got engraved. For the longest time i would look at this tiny piece of laminated paper that said my sons name and one simple year, it was taped on his wall, and it felt a ttimes like i wasnt there really for him, that i was there for another person named payton matthew burke. I still wish at times that i will get a call that my was switched in the hospital and has been living with another family for the last 3 months. i know it will never come, i just wish. i wish tha i could wake up and it be that terrible morning all over again and i could just un-do it. i wish that i could just go back and hold him again, kiss him again, tll him i love him one last time. everyone keeps telling me how strong i am, i am not strong i am numb. i am able to do things like hold a candlelight vigil for my son, post on this blog, talk about that night, all the things that i have done i do not because i am storng but because i am numb. Im so scared of what will happen when this feeling wares off, when the pain is all i feel, will i be able to move, get out of bed, will i be able to pull through the hurt and go on for my son th way i have.  now that his headstone is engraved it is too real, i used to be able to go there without having a breakdown, i would shed some tears as i gave him a sweet kiss, now when i go there i lose it, i sit there and cry for about 30 minutes, i just cant help it, i now know that it is my son in that cold concrete wall, in that tiny little box, cold, alone, dark, it it the tiny little bodu that i used to hold in my arms. it is the soft skin that i used to kiss, it is the sweet bug eyes that i will never look into again. it is too real seeing his name engraved into the stone forever, for all to see, for all to wonder, who is this child. i miss my bug. i miss him so much i just want him back, even for a day. i know that would not be enough but it would be better that nothing.

Another thing that i have been fighting with is the holiday season. Thanksgiving absolutely sucked, it really did i woke up and instantly broke down because i was speanding the day without my son. i laid in bed for about an hour just crying i didnt want to do anythign. i had to work that day from 12-8 so we decided to go to visit him in the morning. we went and sat with him for a little bit, i read him a book about thanksgiving and i told him that i was thankful for the short time that i had with him and the time that i was thankful that he entered my life. I also told him to use his table manners when he is at the feast in heaven, i guess thats just the mommy in me to think of that. now i have to handle christmas, god am i dreading that. i have a tree with all the ornaments that remind me of him, its his tree, a little one that has his pictures, angels, candles all around it its like his little shrine in my living room. i also have his stocking hung above it along with his 2 christmas outfits that my great grandma and his aunt bought for him hanging all around it. puting up the tree was so heartbreaking i found my ornament from last year, it was a daddy snowman with a pregnant mommy snowman with the words miracle in the making... if we only knew then that he was an angel in the making. i just have to get throug this holiday, get through everyone else buysing first christmas ornaments and things like that for their kids while i cant buy payton anything . i just have to get through the joy of other children opening gifts and celebrating the holidays while i dont want to celebrate anything without him. it hurts too much.