Saturday, October 1, 2011

How this happened...

I have been avoiding posting this but i feel now like i need to and i am ready to tell the story of how my sweet little boy became and angel. I am telling this story for a purpose, that purpose is prevention. It's all that i live for now, preventing this from happening to anyone else. I always thought it wouldnt be me, but i was wrong.

Let me start by saying that I made sure I was educated, I made sure I knew about the dangers that come with being a new mom, dont let them sleep on their belly,dont let them sleep with blankets or stuffed animals, make sure that they are always warm but not too warm, dont leave them alone in the bath tub, even down to dont bundle them up before putting them in the car-seat because it leaves too much room between them and the straps. all the basics to keeping your child safe, i made sure i knew.  I was always very adimate that the bug was not going to sleep in our bed, i knew it was not safe, his daddy was such a hard sleeper and so was I. I did my best to keep my son safe, happy, and made sure that he knew love.

I had just started back to work and was still getting used to my hours, though it's only 9-5 it takes alot out of you taking care of a baby and working, the late night feedings, and on top of it all I had been sick for about a week. I was beyond ehausted. I worked on monday, and fought not coming home because I knew that the bug was not feeling well. I took him to the Dr as soon as I got off work just to make sure he was ok, and he was. Dr said it was just a little virus let it run it's course. I spent the rest of the night just playing with him, loving him, watching him smile, i only wish i would have known that it was my last night with him. at about 9 i tucked him into bed, gave him a kiss, and said our bedtime prayer, just like always. At abotu 11 pm he woke up, and I took him in his room and rocked him back to sleep. I sang to him, and turned on his twilight turtle, which made the ceiling light up with stars, and i rocked him in the rocker for a while, just holding him tight. I put him back in his bed and went to bed myself.

At about 3 am he woke up for his feeding, like usual. I was so tired that I decided to just feed him in bed.( I was still breast feeding) While I was feeding him i fell asleep. A few hours later matt woke up for work and paniced when he saw payton's face against my stomache. He grabbed him and asked is he ok, my first thought was of course he is, we jsut fell asleep, millions of people sleep with their kids in their bed every night, he's fine. I was wrong. Matt said he's not waking up, what's wrong with him. He turned on the light and i saw that the bug was pale and blue. I immediately laid him on the floor in the hallway and started CPR and called 911. Matt ran outside, I couldnt figure out where he was going, I tried so hard to stay calm, it felt like a dream. Matt came running back in a few seconds later with our neighbor, a state police officer. He was still in uniform, he had just gotten home from work. I handed him the baby and screamed please please he's not breathing. He laid him down and took over CPR. I went out in the front yard because I couldnt watch. My neighbor's wife came over and jsut held me in the front yard as I was screaming. it felt like an hour before the paramedics got there but it was only a few minutes. they were so quick, they went in grabbed him and ran out, didnt even take the time to get a gurnee out or anything, they were at my house for maybe 3 minutes. by that time more neighbors had come out to see what was goign on. My mom lives only a few doors down from us, and one of the neighbors had gone to get her already as well so she was with me. One of the neighbors drove us to the hospital where we were met by a nun and a few other family members who lived close by. they immediately brought us into a little room and asked us to wait for a doctor to give us an update. It felt like we were waiting for an hour before 2 doctors came in. They asked what had happened and i told them. They then started telling us a sequence of events "the paramedics responded to your call and brought..." matt stopped them there, We know what happened, how is our son? Then he said the words im sorry and I lost it. I kept telling them no your wrong theres a mistake, your talking about the wrong baby, go back and take care of my son. why arent you working on my son... your wrong he's not gone. I wish that I was right, I wish that they were wrong but my sweet baby was gone. Everything after that was a blur, people kept coming to the hospital, the coronor, detectives, everyone kept asking us the same questions over and over. Finally I snapped, I started hyperventaliating and couldnt take it any more. After they admitted me, i kept telling them i just need to get out of this hospital. The same doctor that just told me my son was gone was now taking care of me and i just couldnt take it. After i was released from the hospital I went to my grandparents house, I didnt know where else to go, I just knew I couldnt go home. The rest of the week went by in slow motion. I just kept telling myself that it was a dream, it felt like a dream, a nightmare that just wouldnt end.

I have told this story ofr a reason, If I can prevent this from happening to anyone, if I have saved 1 child's life by this story, if it has touched you in any way, I know that it will make a differece in your life. It is my goal now, to tell this story, as much as it hurts, to make a difference for my bug.

The Bug with his Grandma and Grandpa

My sweet Bug loved his swing!
Caterpillar bug... looks so sweet wrapped all cozy

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