Pushing Forward For My Bug

At first when I lost my son I was scared to tell people his cause of death. I just wanted to say that it was SIDS. i was scared that people would judge me, or call me a bad mom. I realized within the days following my son’s death that that wouldn’t do me any good, do his memory any good, and it wouldn’t do any good to the children in the world whose parents don’t know the dangers of unsafe sleep. I decided to tell people the truth, hoping that they would be affected by it, that they would learn from it, and share it with others, and they would change their unsafe practices for my bug. It has since been my goal to spread the word about the importance of safe sleep practices, hoping that each child saved would forever carry a little piece of my bug in their heart forever, weather they know that his story saved their life or not. I have searched high and low and done a lot of research about what to do and what not to do to keep your child safe. I have found a lot of groups that have pulled me through this, showing me that I am not alone, that my child is not the only child lost this way, and in knowing that I am not the only one who is going forward in honor of their child. I have met so many moms who have been where I am, wishing they had done something different, wishing they were more educated, wishing they could change the past. Finding these groups has been an amazing form of support. I also was connected with an organization in my local area who works with parents like me who have lost their child suddenly. They do such wonderful things, like educating new parents and caregivers, and even donating cribs to struggling families who would otherwise bed-share or put their child in an unsafe environment to sleep. They do so many amazing things and we are even working on plans to organize an event in honor of my bug. I have decided to do a motorcycle run in his honor, and raise money to help educate parents on safe sleep practices, the dangers of unsafe sleep, and the facts that this does happen. My son is the proof of that, he is gone because of it, because i had him in my bed to feed him, he is gone forever. And not just the risks of bed-sharing, but the risks of cuddling up with you baby on your chest on a couch, bed or recliner, the risks of having teddy bears and crib bumpers, and the dangers of blankets with your baby. There is so much that I thought I knew, and I am realizing so much that I was wrong. And now I am making it my life-long goal to tell every parent I can about the risks that I was unaware of, the things that I didn’t know, the things that cost me my baby. Last week I was given the opportunity to speak at my old high school about safe seep practices and how they can save lives. It was an amazing opportunity to be able to reach parents and caregivers so early, before they even become parents and caregivers. A lot of the kids were surprised at how much they didn’t know, and how wrong they were about a lot of things. A lot of them had some really good questions, and were very touched by my message. I visited one of my old teachers when I was there, a teacher who didn’t  even teach any of the classes I spoke too. (she is a science teacher and I spoke to the child development and advanced child development classes) She informed me that the kids in her class were talking about me and my message and my sweet bug too, a few days after my visit. That was such an amazing feeling, knowing that I touched them so much that their conversation topic turned to my story a few days later, amidst all the drama that comes along with high school, they weren’t thinking about who was kissing who under the bleachers, they were thinking about me, and my bug, and how they can save the life of a child. It was such an amazing feeling knowing that I made a difference, just a step in my journey to save lives for my bug.

I Am Still A Mother

Mother’s day was one of the hardest days of my journey yet. I woke up that day and realized that I didn’t have anyone to give me a big wet drooly mother’s day kiss. It is my first Mother’s day and I didn’t even want to move. I decided to do what I could to honor and love to the women in my life who have been strong, loving, and caring to me, and who have played a motherly role in my life.I also wanted to remind the world that I am still a mother, even though my son is no longer in my arms. I wore a beautiful corsage all day (from my mom) with my sons picture hanging from an angel pin on it. That way everyone knew that though I did not have a child in my arms, I have one in my heart. I decided to go visit my bug with my mom, I wanted to just sit there all day and spend my first mother’s day with my son, like any mother should. Well my mom picked me up and we headed out to the cemetery. When we pulled up to the mausoleum where he is I noticed that there was something up by his spot on the wall. I just assumed that it was for someone who is around him, maybe above him on the wall. As I walked closer I saw this beautiful plant stand with a plant in it, a balloon that said happy mother’s day, and a card. How sweet, even after death someone must really love their mommy, I thought to myself. As I got closer I realized I was right. Death was not enough to break a bond between a mother and child, me and my son. The card on the plant said to my mommy. I broke into tears, looked over at my mom and she was in tears too. The bug helped her find the perfect gift, the perfect wind chime, the perfect card and even the perfect balloon for me. She went to the cemetery and got it all set up for me, from him, so that I could have a mother’s day gift from my bug too. We spent some time there, watching all the people visit their mothers on Mother’s Day, just sitting with my bug and my mom, wishing that he was here still. After a bit we went home for a delicious breakfast courtesy of my step-dad, and I headed out for all my stops. I visited with my mother in-law, my grandmother, and then I went to visit my step-mom. When I got to my dad’s house I was surprised to get handed a little bag. I wasn’t expecting anything at all. I opened it to find a beautiful charm bracelet, with 5 charms that all had a special meaning. A blue bead with bugs on it, of course because my baby was my bug, another a bead with blue stones and an angel hanging down of course because my baby is an angel, the next a mother with her arms around her child reminding the world that I am a mother too, a ruby bead for my bug’s birthstone, and finally a sweet little paw-print bead for my 2 furry babies too. It was so special, I lost it again. My step-mom got a similar bracelet with similar charms, each with a special meaning. After I cried for a few minutes I thanked my dad and step-mom and I realized something. I am an amazing mom because I have amazing parents. My mom and my dad and my step-parents, even my grandparents and mother-in-law too, have all been such an amazing influence on me, they have taught me so much love, strength, and stood beside me through this, as hard as it is for me to lose my son, it is just as hard on them, if not harder. They not only lost a grandchild that sad day, but they also have to suffer through wishing they could take away all my pain. It made me feel so loved, so blessed to have an amazing family, an amazing support system, just to be surrounded by so many people who love me so much. I am still a mother, I am an angel mother, and someday when the timing is right, I will be an earth mommy again too.

It Should Be Me

One of the hardest parts of being an angel mom is looking at other parents, especially ones with children the same age as yours, and saying “it should be me”. This has been an especially difficult thing for me lately as my son would be hitting so many monumental firsts, I have a very dear friend that has a child a few days older than Bug, he started walking a few weeks ago and I cried thinking, wow, my bug would  be walking too, he would be at least pulling himself up  on furniture, walking with a push-toy, things like that. I think of how I missed that first roll-over, that first crawl, that first tooth, the first taste of solid foods, all the firsts I saw my friends experience with their children so close in age to him, it should be me. I should have those moments, I should be smiling at my baby with sheer joy at how amazing he is and how fast he is growing. Instead im not, im looking at these children with tears in my eyes wishing it was my son making these milestones. This has been so hard lately because I have so many friends and family who also have children experiencing their first birthday within days even weeks of his. Seeing all these moms who I shared my pregnancy with planning their child’s first birthday parties, thinking bug would have a yankee-doodle party for his birthday, I even had his first birthday pics planned out, him in a yankee doodle hat, wearing one of those cute blue-jean diapers, or blue jean bloomers, waving a flag, nothing on but the diaper. The red white and blue decorations and invitations that I would be setting up, and the look of awe on his face when he saw his first birthday fireworks. Instead I am sitting back, trying to be happy for my fellow moms, trying not to be jealous of their lives, but I cant help thinking it should be me. I sat with my little cousin tonight, its his 2^nd birthday, and I just rubbed his little feet until he fell asleep, to me it was a special, sweet moment, watching him fight back those dreams, trying to enjoy every last second of his birthday, and all I could think is I wont ever get this. I wont ever sit up with my baby rubbing his feet until he falls asleep, I wont just look at him wondering what hes dreaming about, I will never watch him dive into cake or run with balloons or tear open gifts. I cant help but think it should be me. I just miss my bug, I miss the memories I never will have, I miss the things that were stolen from me along with my son. I miss the little things, the things that some parents just overlook. To all my readers who are moms, please, please, please, treasure every moment, every smile, every little thing that you may not think matters, even the hard times, the screams, and the tears. It all counts. 

Turning to God

The one thing that I have been trying to do is turn to god through my pain. This is so hard because I am so confused as to why this is all happening and I know that he knows the answers to the questions, I know this is in his control and I cant do anything about it, its up to him. A lot of people get mad at god after a loss like this because they blame him. I like to think that god doesn’t do things like this to hurt or to punish but to teach. We don’t always understand the lesson he is teaching, it may not always be clear but if we trust in him, if we just hand it over to him, just surrender to him and pray things will work out. That’s the hard part, prayer, usually lately my prayers turn to one of two things “please please please give him back” or “why me, why him?” I know that this is something I need to work on because I know that god is not going to undo the past few months, he is not going to just erase it all un do it and make it go away, im sure there is a rewind button in heaven somewhere but I know that he never uses it, he took my son for a reason, as much as I hate it it was no mistake or accident there was a reason. As to why me and why him, I used to just wonder why bad things happened to good people now I think that bad things happen to good people because we are the ones strong enough to pull through, because our hearts are so big and full of kindness and love and that makes us stronger. I know that the more I understand the closer I get to god the easier this will become and the less I will hurt. Its just trying ot get on the same page with God, to trust in him. The hardest part is to learn and practice patience. I know that things happen when they happen because god wants them to happen that way, I just need to let him take the wheel a little more and trust that if I praise him, if I love him, keep my faith in him and pray things will all work out, easier said than done sometimes.

Mercy Me - Homesick (Live)

this song is so painful to listen to but it is so true, i just hurt because i dont know how long i have to wait untill i see my son again, i dont know why i have to hurt like this, and even if i did know it wouldnt be better because i would still be here without him. i always say half my heart lives in heaven and its so true.

I just wish that everyone would just get it!

I understand that my situation is complicated and that not  everyone understands it, I understand that people will be uncomfortable because they don’t want to make me hurt worse. These are the things that people don’t get that hurt the most though.

1.)    Not talking about my baby makes me feel like you are either A forgetting him or B trying to pretend like he never existed. I want to hear his name every day, show me you love him, show me you miss him, show me you remember and honor him, say his name, talk about how much you miss him and the good times you remember because that shows me that he lives on in your heart. His name is music to my ears, it may make me cry, but not hearing it makes me cry more.

2.)    A few months have passed but I will never be over it!!!!!!!! This is not something that I will get over, ever. You don’t get over this, it is impossible, you get through it, you get stronger, and you learn to live, but until I figure out how to do all that give me time. I may have a few good days, I may have a full week or even a few good full weeks but that doesn’t mean that I am better. I am going to have bad days, a week from now I will still hurt and may have a bad day, a year from now, 5 years from now. Especially on anniversaries and his birthday and every holiday that I have to spend without him. Please, please don’t give me slack about it, tell me to get over it, or tell me that its been long enough that these rough days should be past because they will never pass, as long as I m without my son these days will come. Please just be patient until I learn how to re-live my life without him, its not an easy task.

3.)    Not every loss is the same.  No one knows how I feel but me. You may know this kind of pain, you know what it feels like to miss someone so much that it physically hurts, to just yearn for their touch again. The best way to describe it is everyone who has lost someone walks down a path; our paths all have different bumps, twists, turns, and obstacles, and however at the same time our paths walk in a parallel direction. No two paths are identical so I don’t know how you feel and you don’t know how I feel. I do understand that people say this out of compassion, and I am not saying by ANY means that my loss is more painful than someone else’s, or that someone else’s loss is less than mine, they are all different, for example I have had mothers who lost a baby before their birth tell me that they feel for me because I had time to bond with Bug and that must have made it that much harder to lose him, that they can’t imagine the pain. I on the other hand feel the opposite, I have 10 weeks of memories with my bug, I know what his smile looks like, I know what his bug eyes looked like, what he liked, 10 weeks of love and memories, something a mother who suffered a miscarriage or stillbirth did not get. I can’t imagine what my life would be like without that 10 weeks. Doesn’t mean that their loss is greater than mine or mine greater than theirs just different. No 2 stories are the same no 2 losses are the same. We all have one thing in common that makes our losses hurt unbearably, we all miss someone we love more than the air we breathe.

4.)    Don’t tell me I can have more kids. I can have 50 more kids but none of them will be him. I will love them as much as I loved him, I may even value them more because of what I have learned through my loss but another child will never ever replace him. I will always hurt because he is not here, watching my future children will hurt because it will make me realize how much I will miss out on with my bug. A child is not a band-aid, a quick fix, or an eraser. It will never fix or heal or undo my pain but it will bring a light back into my life.

Now saying this I know that not all people say or do things with the intention of hurting me or making me uncomfortable. I get my situation is different and difficult to understand, but please please just try to understand, don’t be afraid to ask me how I feel about something, don’t be afraid to ask what I want from you or what makes me feel comfortable or uncomfortable.  

Just when I thought things were Improving...

So it has been a long time since I have blogged I just haven’t had the time but I will be posting a few at a time here and there to catch up starting with this one

Just when I thought things were getting better I get that sucker punch that I have been waiting on. Reality. It has been 5 months now and things are getting so much harder every day,. The panic attacks, the breakdowns, I used to cry a few times a day a few minutes at a time, now it’s a few times a day for an hour or so at a time. I have been told that this is because the reality has set in, things are more and more real now, I think it’s because I’ve just had enough. 5 months is enough time without my baby, 5 months has been enough time without kissing him, without feeling his fuzzy head, 5 months without hearing his cry, and it’s just too much. I don’t want to do it another day, I don’t want to go one more day without him and each day that I go without him this pain grows and it grows. I feel like I’m at my limit, I feel like I’m just done. I just want him back, I just miss him, I would give the world for my baby back, I would give anything to just hold him again, to rock him to sleep again. I just feel like I have had enough pain and I can’t escape it, I can’t make it stop growing and I can’t get through it. I want it to all be over but I know that it will never be over, not until god decided that he is ready to call me home to be with my baby. Then it will be over. Everyone told me to prepare myself because things would get worse before they got better but at the time I didn’t think that it was possible for things to be worse but I was wrong, so wrong, they are worse, much much worse. When it hits you, it finally hits you like a ton of bricks. I’m just waiting for this to get better, everyone keeps saying it will god I hope they are right not sure how much more of this I can take.