Thursday, May 24, 2012

I Am Still A Mother

Mother’s day was one of the hardest days of my journey yet. I woke up that day and realized that I didn’t have anyone to give me a big wet drooly mother’s day kiss. It is my first Mother’s day and I didn’t even want to move. I decided to do what I could to honor and love to the women in my life who have been strong, loving, and caring to me, and who have played a motherly role in my life.I also wanted to remind the world that I am still a mother, even though my son is no longer in my arms. I wore a beautiful corsage all day (from my mom) with my sons picture hanging from an angel pin on it. That way everyone knew that though I did not have a child in my arms, I have one in my heart. I decided to go visit my bug with my mom, I wanted to just sit there all day and spend my first mother’s day with my son, like any mother should. Well my mom picked me up and we headed out to the cemetery. When we pulled up to the mausoleum where he is I noticed that there was something up by his spot on the wall. I just assumed that it was for someone who is around him, maybe above him on the wall. As I walked closer I saw this beautiful plant stand with a plant in it, a balloon that said happy mother’s day, and a card. How sweet, even after death someone must really love their mommy, I thought to myself. As I got closer I realized I was right. Death was not enough to break a bond between a mother and child, me and my son. The card on the plant said to my mommy. I broke into tears, looked over at my mom and she was in tears too. The bug helped her find the perfect gift, the perfect wind chime, the perfect card and even the perfect balloon for me. She went to the cemetery and got it all set up for me, from him, so that I could have a mother’s day gift from my bug too. We spent some time there, watching all the people visit their mothers on Mother’s Day, just sitting with my bug and my mom, wishing that he was here still. After a bit we went home for a delicious breakfast courtesy of my step-dad, and I headed out for all my stops. I visited with my mother in-law, my grandmother, and then I went to visit my step-mom. When I got to my dad’s house I was surprised to get handed a little bag. I wasn’t expecting anything at all. I opened it to find a beautiful charm bracelet, with 5 charms that all had a special meaning. A blue bead with bugs on it, of course because my baby was my bug, another a bead with blue stones and an angel hanging down of course because my baby is an angel, the next a mother with her arms around her child reminding the world that I am a mother too, a ruby bead for my bug’s birthstone, and finally a sweet little paw-print bead for my 2 furry babies too. It was so special, I lost it again. My step-mom got a similar bracelet with similar charms, each with a special meaning. After I cried for a few minutes I thanked my dad and step-mom and I realized something. I am an amazing mom because I have amazing parents. My mom and my dad and my step-parents, even my grandparents and mother-in-law too, have all been such an amazing influence on me, they have taught me so much love, strength, and stood beside me through this, as hard as it is for me to lose my son, it is just as hard on them, if not harder. They not only lost a grandchild that sad day, but they also have to suffer through wishing they could take away all my pain. It made me feel so loved, so blessed to have an amazing family, an amazing support system, just to be surrounded by so many people who love me so much. I am still a mother, I am an angel mother, and someday when the timing is right, I will be an earth mommy again too.

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