Thursday, May 24, 2012

It Should Be Me

One of the hardest parts of being an angel mom is looking at other parents, especially ones with children the same age as yours, and saying “it should be me”. This has been an especially difficult thing for me lately as my son would be hitting so many monumental firsts, I have a very dear friend that has a child a few days older than Bug, he started walking a few weeks ago and I cried thinking, wow, my bug would  be walking too, he would be at least pulling himself up  on furniture, walking with a push-toy, things like that. I think of how I missed that first roll-over, that first crawl, that first tooth, the first taste of solid foods, all the firsts I saw my friends experience with their children so close in age to him, it should be me. I should have those moments, I should be smiling at my baby with sheer joy at how amazing he is and how fast he is growing. Instead im not, im looking at these children with tears in my eyes wishing it was my son making these milestones. This has been so hard lately because I have so many friends and family who also have children experiencing their first birthday within days even weeks of his. Seeing all these moms who I shared my pregnancy with planning their child’s first birthday parties, thinking bug would have a yankee-doodle party for his birthday, I even had his first birthday pics planned out, him in a yankee doodle hat, wearing one of those cute blue-jean diapers, or blue jean bloomers, waving a flag, nothing on but the diaper. The red white and blue decorations and invitations that I would be setting up, and the look of awe on his face when he saw his first birthday fireworks. Instead I am sitting back, trying to be happy for my fellow moms, trying not to be jealous of their lives, but I cant help thinking it should be me. I sat with my little cousin tonight, its his 2nd birthday, and I just rubbed his little feet until he fell asleep, to me it was a special, sweet moment, watching him fight back those dreams, trying to enjoy every last second of his birthday, and all I could think is I wont ever get this. I wont ever sit up with my baby rubbing his feet until he falls asleep, I wont just look at him wondering what hes dreaming about, I will never watch him dive into cake or run with balloons or tear open gifts. I cant help but think it should be me. I just miss my bug, I miss the memories I never will have, I miss the things that were stolen from me along with my son. I miss the little things, the things that some parents just overlook. To all my readers who are moms, please, please, please, treasure every moment, every smile, every little thing that you may not think matters, even the hard times, the screams, and the tears. It all counts. 

1 comment:

  1. <3 I am so sorry that what you see causes you so much pain