One year later...

One of the last pictures taken of my bug, a few days before he passed, at the local fair, he was amazed by all the lights anbd sounds from the carnival rides and games, his eyes were so bright all night :)

 

One year has passed, one full year, 366 days (it was a leap year) since I last held my baby, since I kiss him, since I held him in my arms and rocked him to sleep his last night, I cherish that quality time I had with him, I thank god he wouldn’t fall asleep because rocking him that night, singing him that last lullaby, holding him in his room, im glad that is how I spent my last night with him. I cherish that night so dearly. But where am I now, I look back at the journey I have taken this last year and I do have to say I am quite proud of my bug for making me so strong. I have been told by many this past year that I am an inspiration, that my bravery and love for my son inspires them to be strong when much smaller obstacles come their way. I have thought so much about it and have said it before, I cant take credit for being amazing, or strong, or anyone’s inspiration. I give all the credit to my bug. He is the one who makes me strong, that makes me brave, that inspires me to go on and carry on in his name, he does it all, not me. He deserves every bit of credit. I mean im one proud mama, my son’s life was very sadly, tragically short, too short for me, 10 weeks that’s all he got on this planet, and look what my son accomplished in that 10 weeks, it may not have seemed like a lot when he was here, but he has touched so many hearts and changed so many lives, and saved lives too! Most adults live their entire lives not accomplishing what my baby did in 10 weeks. I first noticed it at his services, the amount of people in the funeral home, I mean you could barely move, there was not a seat open, and at his funeral there were people crammed in lined up in the back of the chapel, my baby had a motorcycle escort and a funeral procession that went on for miles, literally MILES! All those people had love for my bug! I saw it in the hundreds of Facebook posts made about me and my son, all the prayers and love and virtual hugs that were sent my way for my bug, complete strangers literally all over the world thinking of my son.  The fact that in 10 short weeks he made such a difference in this world, its amazing and truly shows me that he is the inspiration not me. I look at all the people I have met in this year, all the paths I have crossed, all the people that the bug has brought into my lives, and all the lives he has led me into. Its truly amazing. i thank god for my baby every day, I thank god for giving me the most amazing blessing, for seeing me fit enough to hold that beyond beautiful, literally perfect child in my arms for 10 short weeks and in my heart for the rest of my life until he is in my arms once more. I don’t know what I did to deserve such a blessing but im so glad I did it. I posted something on my facebook earlier today that said “you were given this life because you are strong enough to handle it” it’s true, I know so many other people who have been through a similar experience to min and have either shut down, or turned to drugs or alcohol, or severe depression, and with this much pain and heartache believe me its very understandable to do those things. But I chose not to, the way I have seen it is my son is watching my every move every minute of every day, and im not perfect by any means im sure that I have let him down a few times this past year, but im sure that he is very happy he doesn’t have to worry about me being sad, laying in bed crying all day every day which is of course what I want to do. But what would that show him? That I loved him, that I miss him, I have chosen to show my son those thing in other ways,  by carrying on his legacy, by being strong for him, by saving lives in his name, by education people on safe sleep, by, and by talking about him constantly, and by making every day I live about him. I am still shattered, I still cry, I still have moments of pain, and weakness, moments where I just lay there stare at his picture and beg god for him back, I always will, no matter how much my woulds heal the scars remain and it will never fully go away. I have to live with this pain forever, I have to learn how to live with it. But I will because my bug makes me strong enough to do it. I have come a long way over the past year, it has been a roller coaster full of ups downs, twists, turns, bumps and shakes, and its not over yet, but I have made it, with my head held high, because I want my son to be proud of me. And ya know what, I really feel like he is <3

hapy birthday sweet bug

Happy Birthday Precious Bug, It is so hard to believe that it has been 1 year since the most amazing day of my life, it seems like just a moment in time has passed since the day my sweet bug was born, in honor of this amazing day i decided that i would tell the story of the day my bug was born, July 4, 2011.

The day before that special day, i was sitting outside with my 2 dear friends and neighbors, by a fire, watching all the fireworks going off around us. they were enjoying an icy cold beer, i was enjoying an icy cold water of course, and they were asking me, are you having any contractions or anything. I told them i was having some braxton hicks, i could feel my belly getting tight but i didnt feel any pain or even feel the contraction so i knew they were nothing. i went home at around midnight and went up to bed, thinking to myself this kid is never comming out!

at about 3:00 am i awoke to what had become my normal routine, get up, go potty, and i would usually take a warm shower to relax away the braxton hicks that had woken me up to begin with. as i was going potty i had a really strong contraction, and thought sheesh that was a good one! i went to take a shower and while i was sitting in the shower i had another strong one, uh-oh i thought that was a good one too, and there is no way those were even 5 minutes apart. then before i could finish my thought, another one! they were so close together and lasted so long that i was unable to even stand up, there i was sitting in the shower, in full blown labor. i started banging my fist against the shower wall to wake up paytons daddy and tell him, this is it! baby time! finally he heard me, came in to help me get up and get dressed, called everyone and let them know, this was definitely it!

We then left off to the hospital, paytons daddy decided that it was safest to do the speed limit, i had to remind hi that it was 4 am and there was noone on the hightway and unless he wanted to deliver our son himself that he better step on it! i screamed the entire way there and it felt like it took an hour to get there, but finally we arrived. when we got up to a room they checked me and told me that i was dialated to 3, and definitely in labor. the nurse ran to grab an iv kit and get me hooked up, i asked to go potty again before the iv so she had to check me again. when i was in the bathroom i heard her tell paytons daddy that i was already at a 5, i had jumped from 3 to 5 in less than 10 minutes! this baby was comming!!!

things went good and moved alot great for the rest of the day, the waiting room filled quickly with what seemed like 100 people waiting to meet the beautiful child we had anxiously awaited. i finally got to 9 and kinda stalled out. They broke my water at around 10:00 am and gave me a little pitocin to get me to that final 10, that was when the trouble started.

paytons heart rate dropped down a bit, this had happened before during dr's appt check ups and other hospital visits for false alarms, they turned me on my side, threw me on oxygen and watched closely. Another deceleration, flip me to my other side, more oxygen. nothing was working. they put an internal monitor on payton to see if maybe he was just hiding from the monitor and to get a better heart rate reading. another deceleration, and another one. i was getting a little nervous. the nurse checked me again and i was 10, i asked her, if payton wasnt handling the contractions would he handle pushing? she replied i dont know lets try. she told me to push, so i did, another deceleration.

everything combined with the fact that bug had passed mech (his first poop) in the womb, i knew it was not looking good. the nurse ran into the hall and we heard her yell c-section. i started crying because i knew. she came back in, kicked everyone out of the room handed his daddy scrubs and started prepping me. i was crying and terrified. she kept saying its ok we just gotta get him out. i told my dr, i trust you im just really scared.

next thing i knew i was laying on an operating table looking up and waiting to hear the cry that i had waited my entire life to hear. finally at 11:52 i heard a squeak, the dr told me to look up and meet my baby. there he was, big eyes, a head of hair, and covered in goo. he was perfect. 8lb. 5oz, 20 in long, boy was he a big one! i was so glad he was finally here, he was perfectly fine, heart rate was good, breathing good, no mech was inhaled, thank god he was truly amazing.

it was the best day of my life. i spent the rest of my day just enjoying my son, the visitors came and went it was like a never ending cycle to meet him, and that night we finished off by watching the fireworks from our window. we just sat there with him singing him happy birthday and telling him the fireworks were all for him. it was the most amazing day of my life.

one year later where am i? i am sitting here, crying, singing happy birthday to a stone, watching 50 red white and blue balloons go up to heaven. i miss my son, i miss watching him blow out the candle, i miss watching him grow and i miss everything i should have done this past year. i love you sweet bug, happy birthday, and remember those fireworks, those are still for you.

Pushing Forward For My Bug

At first when I lost my son I was scared to tell people his cause of death. I just wanted to say that it was SIDS. i was scared that people would judge me, or call me a bad mom. I realized within the days following my son’s death that that wouldn’t do me any good, do his memory any good, and it wouldn’t do any good to the children in the world whose parents don’t know the dangers of unsafe sleep. I decided to tell people the truth, hoping that they would be affected by it, that they would learn from it, and share it with others, and they would change their unsafe practices for my bug. It has since been my goal to spread the word about the importance of safe sleep practices, hoping that each child saved would forever carry a little piece of my bug in their heart forever, weather they know that his story saved their life or not. I have searched high and low and done a lot of research about what to do and what not to do to keep your child safe. I have found a lot of groups that have pulled me through this, showing me that I am not alone, that my child is not the only child lost this way, and in knowing that I am not the only one who is going forward in honor of their child. I have met so many moms who have been where I am, wishing they had done something different, wishing they were more educated, wishing they could change the past. Finding these groups has been an amazing form of support. I also was connected with an organization in my local area who works with parents like me who have lost their child suddenly. They do such wonderful things, like educating new parents and caregivers, and even donating cribs to struggling families who would otherwise bed-share or put their child in an unsafe environment to sleep. They do so many amazing things and we are even working on plans to organize an event in honor of my bug. I have decided to do a motorcycle run in his honor, and raise money to help educate parents on safe sleep practices, the dangers of unsafe sleep, and the facts that this does happen. My son is the proof of that, he is gone because of it, because i had him in my bed to feed him, he is gone forever. And not just the risks of bed-sharing, but the risks of cuddling up with you baby on your chest on a couch, bed or recliner, the risks of having teddy bears and crib bumpers, and the dangers of blankets with your baby. There is so much that I thought I knew, and I am realizing so much that I was wrong. And now I am making it my life-long goal to tell every parent I can about the risks that I was unaware of, the things that I didn’t know, the things that cost me my baby. Last week I was given the opportunity to speak at my old high school about safe seep practices and how they can save lives. It was an amazing opportunity to be able to reach parents and caregivers so early, before they even become parents and caregivers. A lot of the kids were surprised at how much they didn’t know, and how wrong they were about a lot of things. A lot of them had some really good questions, and were very touched by my message. I visited one of my old teachers when I was there, a teacher who didn’t  even teach any of the classes I spoke too. (she is a science teacher and I spoke to the child development and advanced child development classes) She informed me that the kids in her class were talking about me and my message and my sweet bug too, a few days after my visit. That was such an amazing feeling, knowing that I touched them so much that their conversation topic turned to my story a few days later, amidst all the drama that comes along with high school, they weren’t thinking about who was kissing who under the bleachers, they were thinking about me, and my bug, and how they can save the life of a child. It was such an amazing feeling knowing that I made a difference, just a step in my journey to save lives for my bug.

I Am Still A Mother

Mother’s day was one of the hardest days of my journey yet. I woke up that day and realized that I didn’t have anyone to give me a big wet drooly mother’s day kiss. It is my first Mother’s day and I didn’t even want to move. I decided to do what I could to honor and love to the women in my life who have been strong, loving, and caring to me, and who have played a motherly role in my life.I also wanted to remind the world that I am still a mother, even though my son is no longer in my arms. I wore a beautiful corsage all day (from my mom) with my sons picture hanging from an angel pin on it. That way everyone knew that though I did not have a child in my arms, I have one in my heart. I decided to go visit my bug with my mom, I wanted to just sit there all day and spend my first mother’s day with my son, like any mother should. Well my mom picked me up and we headed out to the cemetery. When we pulled up to the mausoleum where he is I noticed that there was something up by his spot on the wall. I just assumed that it was for someone who is around him, maybe above him on the wall. As I walked closer I saw this beautiful plant stand with a plant in it, a balloon that said happy mother’s day, and a card. How sweet, even after death someone must really love their mommy, I thought to myself. As I got closer I realized I was right. Death was not enough to break a bond between a mother and child, me and my son. The card on the plant said to my mommy. I broke into tears, looked over at my mom and she was in tears too. The bug helped her find the perfect gift, the perfect wind chime, the perfect card and even the perfect balloon for me. She went to the cemetery and got it all set up for me, from him, so that I could have a mother’s day gift from my bug too. We spent some time there, watching all the people visit their mothers on Mother’s Day, just sitting with my bug and my mom, wishing that he was here still. After a bit we went home for a delicious breakfast courtesy of my step-dad, and I headed out for all my stops. I visited with my mother in-law, my grandmother, and then I went to visit my step-mom. When I got to my dad’s house I was surprised to get handed a little bag. I wasn’t expecting anything at all. I opened it to find a beautiful charm bracelet, with 5 charms that all had a special meaning. A blue bead with bugs on it, of course because my baby was my bug, another a bead with blue stones and an angel hanging down of course because my baby is an angel, the next a mother with her arms around her child reminding the world that I am a mother too, a ruby bead for my bug’s birthstone, and finally a sweet little paw-print bead for my 2 furry babies too. It was so special, I lost it again. My step-mom got a similar bracelet with similar charms, each with a special meaning. After I cried for a few minutes I thanked my dad and step-mom and I realized something. I am an amazing mom because I have amazing parents. My mom and my dad and my step-parents, even my grandparents and mother-in-law too, have all been such an amazing influence on me, they have taught me so much love, strength, and stood beside me through this, as hard as it is for me to lose my son, it is just as hard on them, if not harder. They not only lost a grandchild that sad day, but they also have to suffer through wishing they could take away all my pain. It made me feel so loved, so blessed to have an amazing family, an amazing support system, just to be surrounded by so many people who love me so much. I am still a mother, I am an angel mother, and someday when the timing is right, I will be an earth mommy again too.

It Should Be Me

One of the hardest parts of being an angel mom is looking at other parents, especially ones with children the same age as yours, and saying “it should be me”. This has been an especially difficult thing for me lately as my son would be hitting so many monumental firsts, I have a very dear friend that has a child a few days older than Bug, he started walking a few weeks ago and I cried thinking, wow, my bug would  be walking too, he would be at least pulling himself up  on furniture, walking with a push-toy, things like that. I think of how I missed that first roll-over, that first crawl, that first tooth, the first taste of solid foods, all the firsts I saw my friends experience with their children so close in age to him, it should be me. I should have those moments, I should be smiling at my baby with sheer joy at how amazing he is and how fast he is growing. Instead im not, im looking at these children with tears in my eyes wishing it was my son making these milestones. This has been so hard lately because I have so many friends and family who also have children experiencing their first birthday within days even weeks of his. Seeing all these moms who I shared my pregnancy with planning their child’s first birthday parties, thinking bug would have a yankee-doodle party for his birthday, I even had his first birthday pics planned out, him in a yankee doodle hat, wearing one of those cute blue-jean diapers, or blue jean bloomers, waving a flag, nothing on but the diaper. The red white and blue decorations and invitations that I would be setting up, and the look of awe on his face when he saw his first birthday fireworks. Instead I am sitting back, trying to be happy for my fellow moms, trying not to be jealous of their lives, but I cant help thinking it should be me. I sat with my little cousin tonight, its his 2^nd birthday, and I just rubbed his little feet until he fell asleep, to me it was a special, sweet moment, watching him fight back those dreams, trying to enjoy every last second of his birthday, and all I could think is I wont ever get this. I wont ever sit up with my baby rubbing his feet until he falls asleep, I wont just look at him wondering what hes dreaming about, I will never watch him dive into cake or run with balloons or tear open gifts. I cant help but think it should be me. I just miss my bug, I miss the memories I never will have, I miss the things that were stolen from me along with my son. I miss the little things, the things that some parents just overlook. To all my readers who are moms, please, please, please, treasure every moment, every smile, every little thing that you may not think matters, even the hard times, the screams, and the tears. It all counts. 

Turning to God

The one thing that I have been trying to do is turn to god through my pain. This is so hard because I am so confused as to why this is all happening and I know that he knows the answers to the questions, I know this is in his control and I cant do anything about it, its up to him. A lot of people get mad at god after a loss like this because they blame him. I like to think that god doesn’t do things like this to hurt or to punish but to teach. We don’t always understand the lesson he is teaching, it may not always be clear but if we trust in him, if we just hand it over to him, just surrender to him and pray things will work out. That’s the hard part, prayer, usually lately my prayers turn to one of two things “please please please give him back” or “why me, why him?” I know that this is something I need to work on because I know that god is not going to undo the past few months, he is not going to just erase it all un do it and make it go away, im sure there is a rewind button in heaven somewhere but I know that he never uses it, he took my son for a reason, as much as I hate it it was no mistake or accident there was a reason. As to why me and why him, I used to just wonder why bad things happened to good people now I think that bad things happen to good people because we are the ones strong enough to pull through, because our hearts are so big and full of kindness and love and that makes us stronger. I know that the more I understand the closer I get to god the easier this will become and the less I will hurt. Its just trying ot get on the same page with God, to trust in him. The hardest part is to learn and practice patience. I know that things happen when they happen because god wants them to happen that way, I just need to let him take the wheel a little more and trust that if I praise him, if I love him, keep my faith in him and pray things will all work out, easier said than done sometimes.

Mercy Me - Homesick (Live)

this song is so painful to listen to but it is so true, i just hurt because i dont know how long i have to wait untill i see my son again, i dont know why i have to hurt like this, and even if i did know it wouldnt be better because i would still be here without him. i always say half my heart lives in heaven and its so true.