Smile :)

Everyone who knows me knows one thing about me, I handle everything life throws at me with a smile. Sometimes I use my smile to lighten my pain, I tell a joke, or make a funny comment to make myself and those around me smile and lighten my pain. Sometimes I use it as a mask, to hide the tears that I really want to just unleash, it may be a fake smile, but hey, it counts rite? Everyone has always complimented me on my ability to keep a smile on my face, It's just how I am. But more and more recently I have a reason to smile.

You see my life has had a lot of twists and turns this past year, and a lot has changed. there is one change that I haven't really posted about on my blog. You see back in June my son's father and I parted ways. Ending a 7 year relationship that had been to hell and back numerous times, a relationship that I thought could withstand any storm, crumbled. There were a lot of factors that led to the separation  I won't go into them really, but losing a child takes a toll on a relationship. We processed our grief in really different ways, and we never really grieved together as a couple. This was piled on top of a relationship that had it's issues to say the least, and it just was not a formula for success.

After the split I moved in with my mom, turned the basement into a nice little apartment for me and the dogs, and did my best to make it the bug's space as well. It was hard to leave behind the only home that he ever knew, the place where his life began, and the place where his life ended as well, the room where I rocked him to sleep, gave him his first bath, there was a lot of memories in the house, a lot of attachment to the memories within those walls. I did something that I didn't want to do, I packed up his nursery, went through all of his things, separated some of his things for his father, and made sure that what was being packed, was packed with care and love, to preserve the specialness of my son's only belongings.

But now to the thing that has brought a smile to my face much more frequently for 3 months now. I have met someone, An amazing man, who loves me, who understands me, who makes me feel like i am on top of the world. I never thought that I would find a man who accepted my loss, who accepted my son, who tried to understand and support me through my grief. But I did, He is amazing, he has held me when I cried, answered the phone at 3am to comfort me after a nightmare about my bug. He tells me that it's ok to cry, that it's ok to have bad days. And when I am having a bad day, or a moment, he will say the perfect thing, or do something funny, to make it better, to put a smile back on my face. This man is so good to me, he is everything i have ever dreamed of and more. The night i met this amazing guy, i literally just felt the presence of my bug, i just felt him saying "mommy, you have cried enough, here is something to smile" This man is everything to me, I just cant believe that I am so lucky to have this amazing man in my life. A man who makes me laugh until i cry, tickels me until i cant take it any more, holds me in his arms just rite, that i feel like they were made just for me. He is such a blessing to me, i could go on for hours talking about him and why I love him, and even then I could find more reasons that i love him.

It feels good to smile again, to be happy again. I know that i will always have a empty space in my heart, something will always be missing, but rite now, with this amazing guy, i am the happiest that i have been since i had my son in my arms. I am smiling again, I can be happy again, I have a light back in my life, and im loving every smile that he puts on my face :)