Sunday, December 30, 2012
Survived Another Christmas
Christmas was this week and it was fairly easy on me this year. I don’t know why but Christmas Eve was harder for me than Christmas day. I woke up that morning, looked up at the Christmas tree and began to cry. I just laid there for a bit, thinking of my son, thinking of what I should be doing with him, how I should be getting him all excited to open presents, preparing to haul him around from family home to family home all day watching them shower him with love and watching him get excited about opening gifts and playing with everyone. I always go visit him both Christmas Eve and Christmas day, so I called his grandma on his daddy's side and asked him if she wanted to go with me to visit him. We decided to go, and exchange our Christmas presents there with him as well, and also visit her youngest son who is buried at the same cemetery as bug, he was born sleeping 10 years ago. When I got to the cemetery I decided to go up and arrange things for him to make room for his Christmas decorations, I brought a few things in that had been there a while, making room for his festive decorations that we put out for him every year. I sat there and cried a bit more, singing him a Christmas song, and telling him that I could only imagine how beautiful Christmas in heaven was. When his grandma arrived, we gave him all of his Christmas goodies, talked to him for a bit, told him we loved him and merry Christmas. Of course we cried too, how could we not when we miss him so much. I was surprised that his daddy came up there with us as well. I didn’t know that he was joining us but was very glad that he did. He is usually pretty quiet when he visits, but it is still good to have that moment with our son, as a family. We may not be together anymore but it’s nice that we can still be decent and do things together for our son. Even though he is not here, I know it means a lot to him. We went on to visit bug's uncle and also his great grandfather, and then we did our little Christmas gift exchange. I gave his daddy a hug, told him merry Christmas, and that it meant a lot having him there, and I know it meant a lot to our son too. After the cemetery I went on to spend time with my family, visiting my grandparents and everyone, crying on and off at certain Christmas songs on the radio, but doing my best to hide it. I know that my family understands and feels the pain as well, but sometimes it’s just easier to hide it and enjoy the happy times. Christmas morning I had to fight back the tears a few times. Watching my brothers and sisters open their gifts was pretty hard, because I will never experience that with Payton, but I know that he was there in spirit, ripping and tearing the paper, laughing and shouting in excitement with every gift. We may not have seen him or heard him but I felt him there. After that I went to visit a very dear friend of mine, who has been like family to me for a long time. He was like an uncle to the Bug and loves him and misses him so much too. He and his son had got the bug a Christmas present too and we wanted to go give it to him. It was a fire truck that had lights and sounds and was so much fun! His son, who is only 3, was my bug's best friend, and came with us. He sang jingle bells to the bug with me, told him "Merry Christmas, I love you!" and was running around the field in the cemetery while we were visiting. I told his daddy that I could literally just feel Bug running with his best friend, laughing with him, and I knew he was there. With watching him running and playing, and knowing that my angel was there too, I couldn’t cry, visiting him like that actually brought joy to my heart. It was very comforting. I went through the day on Christmas and was actually very relieved at how ok I was. I didn’t have to fight back tears as I did the day before, it was a much easier day then I expected it to be. Maybe it was because I knew my son was with me, maybe it was because he wanted me to have a merry Christmas, I don’t know, but I felt at peace. I know that the holidays will always be hard, something will always be missing. I will always have to visit that cemetery and shed a tear, but I know that in heaven Christmas is beautiful, there is snow that is so beautiful, so pure, and it just glistens with beauty beyond words on the golden streets. I know that the Christmas lights and trees here have nothing on the decorations in heaven. I know that every year, my bug, is going to celebrate the most amazingly spectacular Christmas in heaven, and until I get there to celebrate with him, I am going to do my best to enjoy the holiday down here. I’m going to try and celebrate along with him since I have to celebrate away from him. It's all I can do in the meantime.