Letter From Heaven

So I just sat down at my computer and started typing, this is what I got, I think that my Bug wanted to send me a message so he put the words in my heart...

Dear Mommy,

                Heaven is such a beautiful place! I know you miss me so much, and your heart hurts because you didn’t get enough time with me, but please know that I am having so much fun here! I have the most beautiful pair of wings here. They are prettier than you could ever imagine! Jesus said that I am your little angel; I had my wings when I was on earth with you but we just couldn’t see them. I know there are a lot of people on earth that love me, and really miss me a lot, but you should see how many people here in heaven love me too! When I got here, there was a whole crowd of people waiting to say hello, and give me hugs and kisses! I met Aunt Becky and Uncle Brandon first; they are the ones who came to get me. We all gave you a kiss before we left for heaven, did you feel it? Then when I got here I met my Great Great Grandma Eva. She said that she misses you too, she gave me a big hug and a big kiss and taught me a rhyme, you know the one. Here is the church, here is the steeple, open the doors and see all the people.  She says she taught it to you too when you were little. I also met my great grandpa, Tim. He says to tell daddy that he loves him and he’s very proud of the man he has become. I’m proud of daddy too.  I am not the only baby in heaven mommy, so don’t worry I have a lot of friends! We love to run and play, sing songs and just laugh together. Jesus is such a great man! He likes to sing songs to us, it is such a beautiful thing. He gives us lots of hugs and kisses, he says that you ask him to and that they are from you. Mommy I hope you like the other angel mommies that God and I have brought into your life, they will get you through this. Mommy I am very proud of you for being so strong for everyone. You are such a good mommy, you always have been. God said that he knew you and daddy would be a great parents, that’s why he gave me to you. He knows that your sad that I couldn’t stay but don’t worry mommy, I am in such a good place. God has a reason for taking me away, and I’m not allowed to tell you, but I can tell you that someday you’ll understand. Mommy please know that I love you so much, and it feels like I’m gone, but I’m not. I’m always with you, everywhere you go, I know you have seen some of the signs that I have given you to remind you.That glimmer you see out of the corner of your eye, that sound, that tickle on the back of your neck, when it’s me mommy, you’ll know it in your heart. Did you like all the pretty rainbows that I drew you? I drew them for other people too, I wanted to show you a little piece of the beauty here in heaven, and remind you that I am still there. Please know that I miss you too mommy, but I’m not sad because I know that when God is ready for you to come here, I’ll be the angel that comes to get you, and then we will be together again. Until then Mommy, whenever you miss me, close your eyes really tight, and think of the fun times that we had, the nights we played patty-cake, the times you made me laugh by sticking your tongue out at me, the stories you read to me, the songs you sang to me, and all the other fun happy memories that we have together. I love you mommy, and I miss you too. Please don’t worry I promise, it will all be ok.

Love always

Your Bug

Dear Bug

My sweet Bug, I miss you so much so I thought I'd write you a letter. I know your having fun in Heaven playing with everyone give auntie Becky and uncle brandon kisses from us, tell them we say thank you for watching over you when you were here with us. I like to think they are the angels who came down to get you. That sweet old lady you met, that's great great grandma, remember I told you about her, we really hoped that she would live until I had you, we wanted to see her hold you and kiss you. I know she's holding you every day now and teaching you Jesus loves the little children the same she taught us. Bug the world is so much sadder without you here. I know that you are still with us, I sense you all around but its just not the same. Thank you for the beautiful rainbows you sent me you are so creative and artistic a trait you got from me of course. I still can't believe how long its been since I looked into your sweet bug eyes. It just breaks my heart. Did you see all the pretty candles that have been lit for you. I hope you like them, every one was to show you we love you and miss you. Well I have to get going, I just wanted to drop a line to tell you that I love you more than anything and I miss you so much it hurts.
Love always
Mommy

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Candles for the Bug

Beautiful candles for my Bug and other angels were lit all across the country last night, it was such a beautiful way to honor him, It brought tears to my eyes every time I saw another candle picture posted. Thank you all for honoring my Bug and all the other angels in heaven.

My little tribute to the Bug, one for my sister, one for my little brother-in-law, one for all the Bug's angel friends, and of course one for my Bug.

Thank You Amanda H

Thank You Amber A.

Thank You Ashley O.

Thank You Auntie Amanda

Thank You Auntie Angie

Thank You Auntie Kelli

Thank You Auntie Carrie

Thank You Charlie and Brittany

Thank You Betty G.

Thank You Diane M.

Thank You Grace

Thank You Grandma & Pappa Gordon, Auntie Kristen, Auntie Katie

Thank You Grandma Rehberg

Thank You Rachel W.

Thank You Shannon B.

Thank You Shea R.

Thank You Kay

Thank You Uncle Mike, Aunt Shannon & Abby

Thank You Cousin Kevin

Thank You Jennifer C.

Thank You Gail M.

Also Thank You to:

Tracy

Connie

& Ara

Footprints in the Sand

There is a very famous religious poem about a man walking along the beach looking back at his life and asking God about the moments of strife when he felt that God had forsaken him. I have always loved this poem, it has always been my favorite. It has appeared many times in my life. I remember it first when my grandma had a little picture frame with the poem. The first time i read it, it just spoke to me, it touched my heart. It again reappeared when one year for my christmas my mom gave me a necklace, a little cross with foot prints on the front with the words "it was then that I carried you" engraved on the back. A very special piece of my jewlery that up untill recently I never took off. (now it has been replaced by an angel pendant my mom gave me that has my bug's birthstone) Through the years this poem has always had special meaning, I can always imagine myself being that man. Walking along a beautiful white sandy beach with Jesus by my side, watching all the moments of my life flash across the sky. I know in my heart that i will not question God about the difficult times, like the one i am in now. I know through my faith and this poem as well that God is with me, he has not forsaken me, not now not ever.

One night I had a dream--
I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord
and across the sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene I noticed two sets of footprints,
one belonged to me and the other to the Lord.
When the last scene of my life flashed before me,
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
I noticed that many times along the path of my life,
there was only one set of footprints.
I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest
and saddest times in my life.
This really bothered me and I questioned the Lord about it.
"Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you,
you would walk with me all the way,
but I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life
there is only one set of footprints.
"I don't understand why in times when I needed you most,
you should leave me."
The Lord replied, "My precious, precious child,
I love you and I would never, never leave you
during your times of trial and suffering.
"When you saw only one set of footprints,
it was then that I carried you."

Lately as I look back at the photographs of my son's life I always come to one that brings this poem to mind. When Bug was about 4 weeks old, we went and speant the day with family at a beach club. I remember I pushed his little feet in the sand and he did not like it, one little bit. He screamed at me letting me know it too. But I got a perfect little impring of his feet in the sand. I look back now and every time I see this picture it brings to mind that not only will I walk side by side with God on that day, but I like to think that I will see those tiny footprints in the sand once more. My sweet Bug left his footprints in the sand and in my heart. I know that when I look back on my life and see only one set of footprints during the troubled times I wont question whose they were because they will be too tiny to belong to anyone else, It will be my angel Bug carrying me through the difficult times, like he is carrying me now.

  

Candlelight Christmas

I know I mentioned the international wave of light on October 15, however there is another candlelight vigil every year in December. this year it is on December 11, My mom came up with a great idea to honor the bug that day and also to help other children who are less fortunate. We decided that on December 11 we will have a large candlelight vigil at our home and also ask people to bring a toy to our home to donate to toys for tots in honor of our Bug. For those of you who are close and in our area and interested in attending, please send me an email for more information. jgordo0716@gmail.com. To everyone else please don't forget the day, light a candle and donate a toy to a child less fortunate in honor of my Bug. I'm sure he would want to see a child less fortunate have a great Christmas, I know that he will be having an unbelievable Christmas in heaven.

How Do You Say Thank You...

There are so many people who have helped us get throughout this tough experience, so many people I am grateful for. Friends, family, and even complete strangers have been offering to help in any way possible, praying for us, hugging us, and I am forever grateful for all the generosity. I have been saying thank you in so many ways, cards, letters, verbal thank-yous, so many ways that i have tried to put my gratitude into words or action. Today i said a very special thank-you, a thank-you to the firefighters who responded to my son's call. Someone asked me why it meant so much to me to thank them, to show them my gratitude. Though they were not able to revive my sweet son, they did everything that they could, They went above and beyond to try their hardest to bring him back, and it was not their fault that he is gone. I know that they have a difficult job, I know that it cant be easy working so hard on an infant none the less, when I'm sure they have children of their own. It means the world to me that they did everything they could to help him, they got to my house so fast and they did what they had to do, got in and out to try and save him. I cant thank them enough, I went there earlier today to drop off some cup-cakes and a card saying that they are in my prayers. I also gave them a prayer card from his funeral so they could look at it and remember that they had a very special angel watching over them every second and on every call. Unfortunately when I stopped by they were out on a call, the fire chief was there and i gave him everything, and asked him to relay he message of my thanks, Later tonight I ran out really quick and drove by the fire house and decided to stop again. They probably thought I was crazy stopping by at 9 at night but in my heart I just had to say thank you in person. I stopped by and they were there, I was able to relay my gratitude to them and shake the hands of the men who did everything that they could for my bug that day.

Tomorrow is one month since my bug left my side, It is so hard to believe that is has only been a month since I held him, kissed his sweet face, and looked into those amazing big eyes. I never thought it was possible to miss something so much, but then again i never thought i could love something that much either. One of my friends had a post on her Facebook today a quote and it brought tears to my eyes to read it. "They say you don't know what you got until it's gone, but what they really mean is you know what you have all along, you just never think you'll lose it" It's so true, I knew what I had, I knew how special my son was, he meant the world to me, he still does. I just never in a million years dreamed that I would have to go a day without him. I had so many plans for him, sports he would play, music he would like, hobbies that would fill his time, even the schools he would attend and who he would marry. Now I have nothing, but at the same time I have hope. Hope for my future children, that they grow and accomplish the same things that I had hoped my bug would accomplish. Hope that they will do these things in his honor, and remember him as they go through life. Hopes that they be the best people they can be for their brother. Also hope for myself, hope that I can be a good person, hopes that I can better my life to make him proud of me. Hopes that I can do whatever  I can to honor my son, let his memory live on, and spread the word of his short yet wonderful life. It's all I can do. It's only been a month, 4 short weeks, yet it feels like 4 endless centuries. I miss you bug.

Talking About The Bug

Ever since my sweet baby went to be with God people always hesitate talking about him to me. I can understand them not wanting to hurt me and not knowing how to handle the situation. It can be quite awkward and people don't know weather or not I am comfortable talking about him yet. Obviously as you can tell I am (if i wasn't, I wouldn't blog about him) but not everyone knows this. It is hard to talk about him because I miss him so much, but not talking about him doesn't make me miss him any less. It doesn't take away the pain. I find comfort in remembering all the fun times I had with my bug, the moments that I treasure dear. Even though he is gone he is still my son, and what mother doesn't want to talk about her child 24/7. I still love him with all my heart, and I would rather talk about the good memories, the smiles he brought to our faces, the laughter we shared, the cute little things, the not-so-cute little things (like when he peed all over me one morning) than talk about the day he passed or the memories I'm making without him. It helps me to talk about him because it shows that you remember him, you hold him dear, it shows that you care, that he will not be forgotten. So many people don't know how to handle this or how to handle me, I say he is my son, I love him, I cherish him, I cant not talk about my baby. I cant not tell you that my sweet little boy had the cutest little bug eyes, i cant not tell you that my son loved to play patty-cake, I cant not tell you that he loved when you stuck your tongue out at him, it was his favorite game. I will tell you everything about him if you give me the time to, stranger or not. I will tell you that he always fell rite asleep in the car, and he spit-up a lot because he had reflux, and that liked when i would read to him. That's my job as a mother to brag about my son. I will also tell you that he is a special angel and he was too perfect for us, that while we only held him for a little while, he will hold our hearts forever, I will tell you that my baby was too special, too perfect to stay. I love my son more than anything on this earth, I cant imagine a day not saying his name, not looking at his picture, not talking about him or his bug eyes, or his smile, or all the things that I miss so much. I found this poem and it makes so much sense:

Go ahead and Mention my child,
The one that died, you know.
Don't worry about hurting me further.
The depth of my pain doesn't show.
Don't worry about making me cry.
I'm already crying inside.
Help me heal by releasing
The tears that I try and hide.
I'm hurt when you just keep silent,
Pretending he didn't exist.
I'd rather you mention my child,
Knowing that he has been missed.
You asked me how I am doing.
I say "pretty good" or "fine"
But healing is something ongoing.
I feel it will take a lifetime.
--Elizabeth Dent

It's so true, I refuse to pretend that my son didnt exist, that his time on this earth didnt mean something. Talking about me shows that he touched your heart, shows that you will carry a little piece of him forever. He is my son, my child, my angel, and most of all, my pride and joy.