I see him everywhere...

This weekend was a very busy weekend for my family. yesterday we had an event for a motorcycle group that my dad is a member of and has been a big support for us through this loss, and today was my little brother's birthday so we went to farm and picked apples and berries. It was so hard because i had been looking so forward to this weekend for so long now. I already had the bug's outfit picked out for the event, he had a harley davidson shirt that said my grandpa rides a harley and he even had little shoes with skull and cross bones and a leather vest to wear too. It was all planned. And i was so excited about taking him apple picking, I thought it was be so much fun for him. It is so hard because all these things that i wanted to do with him just arent the same without him. It killed me seeing all the kids at the orchard today, seeing all the families, I would give anyhting to be able to make more memories with him. I'm grateful for the time we had with him but it just wasnt enough. We didnt have enough time, enough memories, enough smiles, i gave him a million kisses in 10 short weeks, but even that was not enough. I just miss him so much.

My dad and the Bug taking a nap... if you look closely, the bug is wearing a Harley Davidson Hat, my dad said we had to start him early.

Feeling the Love

Since my sweet bug went to be with god, I have had so much love being sent my way. It is comforting to know that my bug had such a strong effect of the lives of so many people. So many people have been praying for him and me and our friends and family. I have had complete strangers who know nothing about me or my bug saying prayers from across the country. I know that it cant bring him back, nothing will, and this pain will never go away, but it helps knowing that my bug is still alive in so many hearts of so many people. Each heart his story touches, is another heart for him to live on in. I just want to thank everyone for the outreach of support and love, the prayers, the thoughts, everything that you have sent our way. As much as it hurts i know my bug will forever live on in your hearts as well as mine.

Trying to Escape the Pain

This is the hardest thing I will ever endure. Everywhere I go I feel my bug. We went on a mini vacation to my uncle's house which is in Middleofnowhere, USA and I still feel the hurt. I know i cant escape it, I was just hoping to leave some of it behind. It just hurts making memories without my bug. I know that he is always with me though, and i know he is sending me little messages from heaven to remind me that he loves me. Last night we were looking at the stars by the campfire and finally got enough service to hear a song on Pandora radio, the song played and then we lost service again. I know it was my bug by the song that played. Then today it was a rainy gloomy day all day and then tonight just at sunset, the rain stopped and i saw the most beautiful rainbow and sunset that i have seen in a long time, it was the bug drawing me a picture. It hurts so much because i want him here with me, in my arms, but when i see things like that it reminds me that he is still here, always with me, always loving me as much as i love him. I just wish I could leave the pain for one day. I thank god for the support i have had from friends and family because without it i would not be able to make it through this.

Just One Week

One week ago today I lost my sweet bug. It seems like so much more than that. The smiles and laughs that filled our home feel like they have been gone for decades now. I miss holding him, I miss kissing him, I miss seeing those sweet big eyes. I didnt ever think i would have to go throught this. The thought of leaving him for 8 hours a day while i was at work used to terrify me, now to think that i have gone a week without him and will go weeks more is just too much to grasp. Now i just have to continue on and learn to live again. It's so hard everywhere i go i see him, i remember him, I never want to forget, and i know i never will, but now it just hurts to think that i cant make any more memories with him. The hard places are the ones where you dont think will hurt, the grocery store, the pharmacy, even the veternarian's office. I just think of all the people that used to stop me and compliment me on how precious he was, I think of the nurses at the vet's office who just adored his smile, its the little memories that hurt to remember the most, those simple moments that you capture from day to day that just hurt the most. i literally have to learn how to re-live my life without my bug. nothing will ever be the same.

One last lullaby

While I was still in the hospital after having my sweet bug, I was listening to the radio and heard this song. It said so many of the feelings that i had for my sweet bug, and it became our song. I sang it to him quite often. When we laid the bug to rest, I sang it to him one last time.

The Bug

July 4th 2011 was a special day. while everyone was celebrating the nations birthday with fireworks and sparklers, I had a different birthday to celebrate. After 7 hours of labor and an emergency c-section, my sweet baby boy entered this world. He was so tiny with thick brown hair and these amazing eyes that just captured your heart. It was the most amazing day of my life. I have never felt that much joy and love. He was just too perfect for words. I saw pure love when I saw his daddy look in his eyes, and just thanked god for giving us such a beautiful thing.

As the bug grew, so did his eyes. my sweet baby got the name "bug" because he had these hudge round eyes that just looked like they were about to pop put of his head! I never knew it was so possible to love something so much. I couldnt get ehough of him, I just wanted to hold him kiss him squeeze him and never let him go. The thought of leaving him for even a minute broke my heart. The bug had so much family that loved him that much too, we are both from large families that live so close, we used to joke and say tht family had to make appointments to see him because there was not enough time in the day!

Every moment spent with the bug was more precious than the last. as his sweet littler personality developed we just loved him more. He loved the simple things in life, sticking your tounge out at him, playing patty cake, making his feet clap, and getting raspberries on his tummy. These things all made him just smile the biggest sweetest toothless grin from ear to ear. It was truly priceless. He was such a happy baby.

On September 13th 2011 my world came crashing down. It was the worst day of my life. While we were sleeping the bug went to be with the angels. It all happened so fast, but it felt like a car-crash in slow motion. I lost it. I didnt think I could go on. The hardest part was learning how to live without him. I have now made it my life goal, from this point forward to live for my son, to spread the word about his short life, and to do whatever it takes to prevent this from happening to anyone else. I now live for the bug, every second, every minute, every day.