Help me understand

I understand that everyone is different, and no two people grieve the same way. What i feel about losing my son is so different from what my family is feeling, what other mothers are feeling who have lost a child, no two stories are alike. the best way to put it is we have all reached a destination in life, the destination of losing a child, however each one of us reached this destination by traveling down a different path. I just want to understand how the people closest to me are grieving and it is killing me. i want to understand mostly how payton's daddy is grieving. It just kills me that we are taking this so differently, i feel like now more than ever we need to be togather, we need to cling to eachother and pull eachother through this. It's so hard to do that because we are taking this in such different ways. i know the statistics of couples making it this day in age, and it is scary. but even more i know the statistics of a couple making it through this eperience, it makes thins a million times harder. I want more than anything for us to survive this for our son, to be his parents togather. no matter where life takes us i know it is meant to be, i just pray that life keeps us togather, as a family, in honor of our Bug.

Trick-or-Treat Bug!

I was definately not looking forward to Halloween this year. Usually I decorate the front yard like a cemetary, I dress the dogs up with a theme, and we all trick or treat as a family. I still took the dogs trick or treating this year but thats about it. This would have been the Bug's first holiday, I would have dressed him up as a what he was already, a Bug of course, and taken him from door to door showing him off. I wouldnt even care about the candy, i would just be excited about showing off my pride and joy in a adorable costume. Instead I went to the cemetary, read him a story about halloween, gave him a pumpkin, and told him trick-or-treat there. I told him that I know he was having fun trick-or-treating with the babies in heaven, but not to eat too much candy or he'd get a tummy ache. I told him to use his manners and say please and thank-you at each door. I told him that I love him and I miss him, like I always do. It just wasn't the same. If I had such a hard time with Halloween, how am I going to survive the real painful holidays? Like christmas and thanksgiving. I had so many plans for these holidays. So much excitement to share them with him, I already had his first christmas maped out in my head. Gifts I was going to give him, His first christmas ornament, and now what do I have? Nothing. I feel so cheated, I feel like I got the short end of the stick. I am his mom, I am not supposed to have to visit the cemetary every holiday, especially through the first year of  his life, and tell him merry christmas or happy Halloween, even happy valentine's day. This is not how its supposed to be. I should have had more, I need more, I need my son. Nothing about this is fair, I just cant take it anymore. I beg God please, press the rewind button and take me back undo it all, and let me have him back. Let me have at least more time. Let me just have even one more day. But everyday I wake-up still in this nightmare. Will it ever end? Will the hurt ever stop? I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep through all these Holidays. I just want them over with.

He's Not Dead!

O.K. maybe im a little crazy here, but am I the only person who hates the term dead? I hate when I hear people use that term when referring to my son. Im not trying to be rude, but Im sorry, my son is not dead. His physically body is not living anymore, yes, but his spirit is alive. It's alive in my heart, and i can assure you that he forever lives on in heaven. I usually use the word gone, but even that isn't fitting because he is not gone either, he is here, by my side, in my heart, with me always. I like to say my son passed away, he passed on from this world to a place with more beauty and grace than we can ever imagine. He went to be with god, and I can assure you that he is there in heaven, alive, happy, and living. Dead is just such an ugly word, when i think of dead i think lifeless, dark, dreary. I know that these words do not even partially describe where my son is. He is in a place with lots of light, and love, and eternal happiness. I'm sorry, but my baby is not dead, he lives on in my heart, every day.

It's not my fault...

Anyone who ever saw me with my son knows that I was a good mom. I don’t mind to sound conceded, but I really was a good mom. I took every step to ensure that my son was safe; I chose the best of the best for everything with him, car seat, and stroller, all safe and high quality. I just wanted the best for him, that’s not what made me a good mom though. What made me a good mom was that I would rather sit on the couch with him all day, playing peek-a-boo instead of doing laundry and vacuuming. What made me a good mom is I read him a story and sang him a song every night before bed. What made me a good mom is that nothing was good enough for him, he went everywhere with me, the thought of leaving him alone for a minute made me want to break down in tears, what made me a good mom was that I loved my son more than anything on the face of this planet. What made me the best mom was that I had the best son.

The reason I am telling you how good of a mom I was is not to brag about myself, by all means that is not my intentions. But I do want to admit that as good as I was I was not perfect. There is no such thing as a perfect mom, we all make mistakes. We all have regrets, things we wish we wouldn’t have done or done more of. Its only human. My point is that even a good mom, a great mom like me makes mistakes. I am proof of that. The morning my son died was a big mistake, a hudge one, one I wish I could take back and undo. Everyone tells me don’t blame yourself, you were a great mom, you loved your son, you didn’t do anything wrong. I keep telling myself that, reassuring myself that thousands of other mothers do what I did, and that it does not make me a bad mom. Its just so hard. That morning that I woke up to feed my bug, I was so out of it, I was so exhausted, I was not thinking at all. It is all such a blur. I try really hard not to blame myself for what happened because I did nothing to intentionally harm my son, nothing to hurt him, I never would have. I love my son more than anything or anyone, more than words can describe, more than the air I breathe, still to this day even though he is gone. I would never hurt him on purpose, but I did. I fed him that night in our bed, and even though I was asleep when I made that decision, I still made it. And because of that decision my son is gone. Its hard not to blame myself, and I try really hard not to. At times I just wonder “how is it not your fault” the bug had his own bed for a reason, he slept in his bed every night for a reason, because I knew it was the safest place for him. I only wish I could undo that morning, wake myself up, get myself moving, turn on ever light, tv, radio, and sound in the house as loud as possible so I would wake up and think about what was going on. I just wish I could go back and undo what I did, every minute of every day, I know it is not my fault my baby is gone, but if I had woken up, not made the decision to feed him in bed, then he would still be here, he would be sitting up, rolling around, eating solids, laughing, talking, and I would still be able to look into those big bug eyes anytime I wanted. Its because of me not waking up all the way that morning that my son is gone. And it just kills me every minute of every day. I try not to blame myself but I do, every second of every day because I was a great mom. And as a great mom, it was my job to protect my son, and I didn’t do that job. If I did, he wouldn’t be gone.  

Bug's Kitty Bowie

So when i went to visit the bug last week this kitty came up to us, it was running and playing with my sister, having so much fun i begged my mom to let me bring her home, she said no she couldnt come in her car. So i told her that if i came back and saw the kitty again then it was meant to be, Well i went back tonight to visit the bug, it was almost dark and the kitty came back up to me, so i brought her home. I couldnt resist, she's Bug's kitty. It is going to get really cold tonight and I couldnt stand the thought of her being outside and cold Bug's daddy was not too happy and our 2 dogs think shes a chew toy (she doesnt like them much either). But i have to keep her, she's the bug's friend. we decided to name her bowie, short for rainbow, since we saw so many rainbows after the bug passed. I love her! im so excited, like my mom said, its just like me to pick up strays! lol Poor thing, she was so hungry when i brought her hom! im glad i did it though, i know i did the right thing... what was i supposed to do, just let her starve nad freeze... ABSOLUTELY NOT!  so i would like to introduce everyone to the newest member of the family :)

Bowie

I am Not Alone

The one thing that I have learned through this experience is that I am not alone. There are so many other women out there with angels in heaven. It's so heart breaking when you hear the numbers. 1 in 4 women experience pregnancy/infant loss. Those numbers are astonishing. It's a club, a club that no one wants to join, but once you join you realize that you have joined a network of love, prayers, and support for the rest of your life. I wish I wasn’t a member of this club every day, but since I am, and there is nothing I can do about it, I am going to make the best of it. I am going to support the other mothers in this club as they are supporting me. I want to share the story of the amazing women that God has brought into my life recently.

A friend of mine posted on my wall, suggesting a blog to me about a woman who started a group called Love and Loss. A group for angel mommies and people like me. I joined the group, and started looking around. I felt rite at home instantly. I noticed that they would be supporting and attending an event that I too was attending a memorial walk in honor of all the little angels, called A Walk to Remember. I had hoped to meet some members of the group at the event. I was lucky enough to meet the group's founder at the event. She is an amazing woman, with adorable children, who is doing an amazing job bringing comfort and bringing angel mommies together everywhere. She is a true inspiration to me, I hope someday to bring comfort to as many families as she has.

Another angel mommy that I met at this event, I know that God brought into my life for a reason. She was there for me the day my son died and neither of us even knew it. I also believe that her son was with me that day, comforting me and holding my heart in his hands. The day my Bug died I was given a box at the hospital, a beautiful box, filled with different things to help me remember his life. It had an outfit, a blankie, and a few other things in it. The thing that meant the most was the angel ornament that was in there. I carried it everywhere with me, I didn’t put it down for days after my son's death. It brought me so much comfort. I have replaced a few things in the box with things of my son's, a sleeper, a few pictures, and a few other things that I cherish from his life. The woman that I met at this event started a group after the loss of her son, she started making boxes like the one she received so that no mother will ever leave the hospital empty handed. She is the one who made the box I received that day, she remembers making the box and also giving it to the hospital. Another thing that tells me God brought us together is how she learned of me and my story. She is also a member of Love and Loss, and when the founder of Love and Loss told her of me, she already knew who I was. The day my Bug died, they put his story in the paper, it was very hard because I felt the way they reported on the story did no justice to what actually happened and it was not the friendliest way of writing the story, but she read it that day. When she told me this story it gave me chills, she said that she never reads the paper but that day she had a copy laying around, picked up and went straight to my Bug’s story. She said after she read this story she said” I just want to give that poor mother a hug” Well I got that hug from her, and it was such a warm love-filled hug. I think that her son was telling her who I was so she knew when she met me that him, the Bug, and God all have some big plans in mind for us!

Every day I meet more and more people who have faced this pain, and as much as I wish I didn’t meet these people (because I wish people like us didn’t exist, I wish this club didn’t exist, I wish no one had to live through this pain) I am glad that I have met them. I am glad that I have the chance to hug other angel parents. I feel like every angel mommy or daddy I meet on earth, is another angel friend my sweet bug makes in heaven. It is such a painful thing to go through, words cannot express the pain I feel everyday without my child, but I know that these other angel mommies and daddies understand this feeling, that they know how it feels to have to give a picture a goodnight kiss every night, to have to cuddle with a blankie instead of your child, to find comfort in that piece of dirty laundry that smells like spit-up. These other angel mommies and daddies like me sadly belong to this same club, a club where we all hurt, we didn’t ask to be members, we all wish we could undo our membership. But it’s a club where we all comfort each other, no one is alone in this club, this club is filled with prayers and through this club and each other we will make it.

A Bug's Life

So I was looking back over my posts, and I realized one thing. I told my story, the story of how I lost my bug, stories of how I am coping, and things of that sort but I really haven’t talked about my bug’s life. It is kind of sad really when I think about it. I should have told this story first and foremost; because it is my favorite story of all, so here I go:

My bug was born on July 4, 2011. I went into labor at 3am, it came out of nowhere, I just woke up to go to the bathroom and boom was in full-blown labor. It was a fairly short process; I labored for 7 hours and then wound up having an emergency c-section. My bug’s heart rate kept dropping pretty low, so the Dr said this baby needs to come out… NOW! After 30 minutes in the OR my baby had arrived. I remember the Dr saying look up and meet your son, I looked up and saw the most beautiful sight ever. There he was, perfect. 10 fingers, 10 toes, a full head of hair, and a strong set of lungs! It was amazing, the pregnancy was finally over and I was finally a mommy. I had waited my whole life for that moment. His daddy was as awestruck as I was. He couldn’t take his eyes off of him. After we got settled in our room he wanted to do everything, he wouldn’t let me change the first diaper, swaddle him, I had to beg him to even hold him! He was a total baby hog, but I didn’t mind. In my mind I had held him for the last 40 weeks, I figured it was daddy’s turn. Besides I had the rest of his life to hold him, if I only knew then how long that would be. Our time in the hospital was so busy. The bug had so many visitors, everyone was so excited that he was finally here. He was the first grandchild and great grandchild from both sides of the family, so needless to say people were literally fighting over who got to see him and hold him when. He was our little celebrity. Everyone instantly fell in love with him, how could you not! After what felt like a yearlong stay in the hospital (which in reality was only 3 days) we finally got to bring him home. I was terrified but so ready to begin our life.

The days passed by and the bug grew so fast, and so did his eyes! My baby had big everything, I think he would have been tall like his daddy; he had monster feet, long fingers, and those eyes! They just captured your heart. Everyone that saw the bug said how sweet and precious he was. He was such a blessing. We were so busy, as I said everyone was fighting over who got to see him when, there wasn’t enough time in the day for everyone to see him, but we tried. We were definitely an on-the-go family. The bug loved being out and about, exploring the world. Every day was like an adventure for him filled with love. Bouncing from one grandparent’s house to the next and he loved every minute of it.

The bug was such a happy baby, he never really cried, only when he was hungry. From the start he slept through the night most nights, at least 6-7 hours at a time. I couldn’t have asked for a better baby. He loved to be rocked, bounced, liked to be sang to and read to, he was so easy to please. I loved taking him to his room, putting on music, and just dancing until he fell asleep against my chest.  And if all else failed, I would always joke and say stick a boob in his mouth. I am so grateful I chose to breastfeed him. It was a special bond that we shared that I will forever treasure. The one thing that he really liked was when you would stick you tongue out and babble at him. He thought it was hilarious! Then after doing it a few times, he would do it back. He would just lay there and smile. I miss that smile so much. He was so precious when he slept, I loved watching him sleep, he always smiled in his sleep. My grandma told me was smiling in his sleep because the angels were playing with him, I know it is true. The bug loved most everything, except bath time. He was always so unsure about what was going on, and then when I washed his hair he would start screaming! He hated it. I miss that cry so much.  I miss cuddling with him, I would never get anything done during the day, all I wanted to do was hold him, love him, just be with him 24/7 every second of every day.  I remember the thought of going back to work broke my heart. It would make me cry, I couldn’t imagine leaving him for one second.  His grandparents had all volunteered to him, so I knew he was in good hands, but they weren’t my hands so it wasn’t good enough.

In the 10 short weeks that my bug was with us we made so many memories that I will treasure forever. There was the day that we spent at the aquarium and walking around the city. The bug loved all the bright lights. His daddy wouldn’t let me push him in the stroller that day, he wanted to carry him everywhere. Then there’s all the times we went shopping. That bug loved to shop! He of course got that from me. We would go all over the place. I loved when people would stop us and compliment him. I was so proud to call him mine. Then there were the times that we went for walks to my mom’s house. I would put on my Moby wrap and wear him like an accessory. Everyone said he looked so funny in that thing but I loved it. I looked like a mama kangaroo. I loved having him so close to me. Then there was our last weekend together at the fair. We spent the day there. He loved the noises and bright lights. His daddy had to work that day, and we were there with some friends, we thought that he would miss the whole day, but then towards the end of the day he surprised us and came. I’m so glad he did, that was our last outing with our bug. I will never forget our last Sunday morning together, the bug was sitting in his bumbo with his daddy, watching him play madden. Daddy gave him a remote and was teaching him how to play, it was so sweet. They were both shirtless, just sitting on the couch, such a precious father-son moment, I’m so glad I got pictures of it.

There are so many memories that I have of my bug, so many pictures, smiles, just memories that I will hold dear forever. That’s all I have left now, memories, pictures, his things. It’s not enough, but I’m grateful for what I have, and what I had with him.