International Wave of Light October 15

October 15 is international wave of light, a day to honor and remember all the little angels who were called to heaven so early. I plan on lighting 4 candles that day, one of course for my sweet angel bug, one for the bug's aunt (my sister) who passed away when I was 6 years old, she was 7 months old. One will be for the bug's uncle (on his daddy's side) who was born asleep about 10 years ago, and also one for all the other angels who i know are in heaven with my sweet bug. I am asking that all the bug's friends light a candle for him on this day, and for all the little angels who are in heaven with him. I am also asking that our friends take a picture of this beautiful honor and send it our way so we can see and share on our blog. I know that the bug's story has touched many across the world and I am hoping that there will be candles lit for him in many places as there are candles lit for him in many hearts.

And I Thought Things Were Getting Better

Today was a really hard day, I know that there are alot more hard days to come, but I really thought I was feeling better. Today is my bugs 3 month birthday. It is also the 3 week anniversary of the day he left us. I just can't believe that it has been 3 weeks since I kissed him last. I never thought in my life I would go this long without kissing my son. It still feels so unreal, it still feels like he is just at his grandma's house or napping in his room. I miss my baby, my sweet bug, my everything, what will I do without him. I know that there will be more days like today but today just hit me so hard.

On another note, yesterday was my sister's 15th birthday. When I was at the mall getting my necklace fixed I saw a chain perfect for her it was a heart with a child standing in it. It was on sale, and I know its more of a mother pendant but it called to me. I have it to her and she cried and so did i, I told her to wear it always to remind her that the bug is always in her heart.

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How this happened...

I have been avoiding posting this but i feel now like i need to and i am ready to tell the story of how my sweet little boy became and angel. I am telling this story for a purpose, that purpose is prevention. It's all that i live for now, preventing this from happening to anyone else. I always thought it wouldnt be me, but i was wrong.

Let me start by saying that I made sure I was educated, I made sure I knew about the dangers that come with being a new mom, dont let them sleep on their belly,dont let them sleep with blankets or stuffed animals, make sure that they are always warm but not too warm, dont leave them alone in the bath tub, even down to dont bundle them up before putting them in the car-seat because it leaves too much room between them and the straps. all the basics to keeping your child safe, i made sure i knew.  I was always very adimate that the bug was not going to sleep in our bed, i knew it was not safe, his daddy was such a hard sleeper and so was I. I did my best to keep my son safe, happy, and made sure that he knew love.

I had just started back to work and was still getting used to my hours, though it's only 9-5 it takes alot out of you taking care of a baby and working, the late night feedings, and on top of it all I had been sick for about a week. I was beyond ehausted. I worked on monday, and fought not coming home because I knew that the bug was not feeling well. I took him to the Dr as soon as I got off work just to make sure he was ok, and he was. Dr said it was just a little virus let it run it's course. I spent the rest of the night just playing with him, loving him, watching him smile, i only wish i would have known that it was my last night with him. at about 9 i tucked him into bed, gave him a kiss, and said our bedtime prayer, just like always. At abotu 11 pm he woke up, and I took him in his room and rocked him back to sleep. I sang to him, and turned on his twilight turtle, which made the ceiling light up with stars, and i rocked him in the rocker for a while, just holding him tight. I put him back in his bed and went to bed myself.

At about 3 am he woke up for his feeding, like usual. I was so tired that I decided to just feed him in bed.( I was still breast feeding) While I was feeding him i fell asleep. A few hours later matt woke up for work and paniced when he saw payton's face against my stomache. He grabbed him and asked is he ok, my first thought was of course he is, we jsut fell asleep, millions of people sleep with their kids in their bed every night, he's fine. I was wrong. Matt said he's not waking up, what's wrong with him. He turned on the light and i saw that the bug was pale and blue. I immediately laid him on the floor in the hallway and started CPR and called 911. Matt ran outside, I couldnt figure out where he was going, I tried so hard to stay calm, it felt like a dream. Matt came running back in a few seconds later with our neighbor, a state police officer. He was still in uniform, he had just gotten home from work. I handed him the baby and screamed please please he's not breathing. He laid him down and took over CPR. I went out in the front yard because I couldnt watch. My neighbor's wife came over and jsut held me in the front yard as I was screaming. it felt like an hour before the paramedics got there but it was only a few minutes. they were so quick, they went in grabbed him and ran out, didnt even take the time to get a gurnee out or anything, they were at my house for maybe 3 minutes. by that time more neighbors had come out to see what was goign on. My mom lives only a few doors down from us, and one of the neighbors had gone to get her already as well so she was with me. One of the neighbors drove us to the hospital where we were met by a nun and a few other family members who lived close by. they immediately brought us into a little room and asked us to wait for a doctor to give us an update. It felt like we were waiting for an hour before 2 doctors came in. They asked what had happened and i told them. They then started telling us a sequence of events "the paramedics responded to your call and brought..." matt stopped them there, We know what happened, how is our son? Then he said the words im sorry and I lost it. I kept telling them no your wrong theres a mistake, your talking about the wrong baby, go back and take care of my son. why arent you working on my son... your wrong he's not gone. I wish that I was right, I wish that they were wrong but my sweet baby was gone. Everything after that was a blur, people kept coming to the hospital, the coronor, detectives, everyone kept asking us the same questions over and over. Finally I snapped, I started hyperventaliating and couldnt take it any more. After they admitted me, i kept telling them i just need to get out of this hospital. The same doctor that just told me my son was gone was now taking care of me and i just couldnt take it. After i was released from the hospital I went to my grandparents house, I didnt know where else to go, I just knew I couldnt go home. The rest of the week went by in slow motion. I just kept telling myself that it was a dream, it felt like a dream, a nightmare that just wouldnt end.

I have told this story ofr a reason, If I can prevent this from happening to anyone, if I have saved 1 child's life by this story, if it has touched you in any way, I know that it will make a differece in your life. It is my goal now, to tell this story, as much as it hurts, to make a difference for my bug.

The Bug with his Grandma and Grandpa

My sweet Bug loved his swing!

Caterpillar bug... looks so sweet wrapped all cozy

Rainbows From the Bug

As i said before, i feel my sweet bug everywhere I go, and sometimes when I feel a tickle or hear a sound, i know it's him. Lately he has been being quite the artist drawing me rainbows everywhere. I have seen 4 in the last week outside, and 1 in my house, all in the past 7 days. 

The first one was when I was on my little mini-vacation get away. It rained all day and as the sun was setting i saw a beautiful rainbow along the sun-set. It's hard to see but it goes from the top right corner to just behind the barn. 

The second one was on tuesday when I was outside with the dogs, I saw it over my neighbor's house, it was so pretty!

The third one was yesterday morning when I woke up, I saw it in my bathroom. I have never seen one in my bathroom before, and couldnt figure out what was making it, it was really wierd but i knew it was from him.

The Fourth one was last night, i went to visit the bug with my mom, and on my way home from the cemetary i saw it. i knew that it was coming too, it was really bright and beautiful but by the time i was able to pull over where i could see it, it was almost gone. It is between the middle and the right side of the picture, its not a full rainbow, and you cant really see it in the picure but it's there

The 5th one was today, i kew it was coming because we were having a sun-shower, and sure enough there it was. 

I'm not the only one that has been seeing them either. my mom said she also saw one in her bathroom while cleaning today, and also my step-mom called me this afternoon to tell me that she saw a really big bright one while driving. I know that this is my bug's way of telling us tha he is still here, reminding us to be happy for him because he is in a beautiful place. I love you my sweet bug, my artist, thank you for drawing us such pretty pictures.

UPDATE: My grandma is visiting my uncle and aunt, and she was at my little cousin's baseball game last night and she said that it started to just mist a little, and when she looked up my aunt and her saw a beautiful DOUBLE rainbow! I have been having friends text me like crazy that they keep seeing them too... The Bug is everywhere!!!

Little Green Blankie

Now that my sweet bug is gone, I find comfort in the things that make me feel the closest to him. The smells, the sounds, anyhting that makes me feel like he is here again. I never knew that the simple smell of spit-up could be such a joy, but im finding that I cant get enough of it. I have a little green blankie that was hand-made for my bug that i keep close to me. It was our favorite blankie, he used it while we were in the hospital and more than any other blankie. Every night i kept it by his crib so that i could use it for his late-night feedings. It has spots of spit up on it, but i dont mind. It's my bugs blankie, I cuddle with it every night like i used to cuddle with him. It has absorbed many tears in these last 2 weeks, but it has also brought me alot of comfort. This blankie is so special because it is filled with so much love. At my baby shower, we played this little game. we used little squares of fabric that were folded into the shape of a diaper. The diapers were passed out to each guest. One special diaper had a little "surprise" in it, it was dirty. After we played the game one of my guests, (the mother-in-law of bug's godmother) asked if she could have all the fabric squares for a quilt. She said that she already had the perfect fabric at home to complete the project. I said, of course! I was so excited!  She had already given me 2 beautiful blankets for the bug, This one is so special because it was touched with so much love for the bug before he even arrived. It's the little things like this, the smells, the paci's. the things that brought him comfort that are all bringing comfort to me now. Just knowing that he once touched something, held it, loved it, makes me want to hold on tight and never let go.

The bug and Daddy cuddling while we were in the hospital, with the bug's special green blankie

The Bug's Work of Art

Today is 2 weeks since my sweet bug left me and my world came crashing down. I have said before how i feel my angel bug everywhere I go, but i think that he is trying to send me messages to tell me to cheer up, hes in a better place and is happy. He has drawn me 2 rainbows now, one last week against a breathtakingly beautiful sunset and one tonight. I know that my sweet bug is trying to tell me that there is still beauty in the world. Trying to remind me that for even something as beautiful as a rainbow, first must come the darkness and rain. It is so hard to get used to him being gone. I am still learning how to switch from living with him to living for him. What i mean by that I am used to doing everything with him, getting him ready everyday to go through the motions of day to day life with me, from the grocery store to Dr's appointments doing everything with me. Now i have to switch gears and do everything for him. I have to do whatever it takes to better myself, to get through this storm, to be a strong mom for him. It sounds so wierd but that is what im having trouble with. Just this morning, my mom called me and asked if i wanted to go with her to run her daily errands and I almost said yeah sure just give me a minute to get the baby ready. It's the thoughts like that that almost kill me. I am still in the habbit of doing everything with my sweet bug. I just miss him so much. I dont want to have to live without him.

My angel Bug's beautiful work of art

Name on the Wall

I went to visit my son for the first time today. It was so wierd to see his name on the wall of the mausoleum that holds his little body. I just wanted to rip it open and grab him and hold him. It still feels so surreal, he would be 12 weeks old today. I cant believe it has been 2 weeks since I gave him a kiss. I never thought id have to bury my son, to read his name on a wall, to have only memories. I miss you my bug, I would give anything to have him back, anything to hold him again. My mom gave me a sweet surprise yesterday, an angel charm with his birthstone for me to always hold my bug close to my heart. I know that i will always carry him with me but it is hard because i dont want him in my heart, i want him in my arms.

My sweet bug you held my hand for a moment, but you will hold my heart forever.